todays funny

[chasswen]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ' Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[chasswen]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'


'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?'
asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'



Git 'er dun!!!!!!!!!

[chasswen]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
suddenly remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of
those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers,
'Which one do you mean, sir?
We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks:
'It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House,
Ken's Harley, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer
and...one of Ken's Friends.

[mmglobal]

New Barbies
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her aging gracefully.

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."

[chasswen]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

[dshobbies]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He says "Yes - just caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the service?"

"Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra po ints toward
employment," and then asks, "are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100% . . .an IED exploded near me and

blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at

10:00 AM and plan on starting at 10 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM,

why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?"

"This is a federal government job", the inter viewer says.

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[mmglobal]

FUNNY FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER . . .


Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q.. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q.. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q.. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q.. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q.. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[chasswen]

Eve's side of the story...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going? inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fixit up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from apart of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'

[dshobbies]

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one
warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of
us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling
from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back
seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those
of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come
to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the
bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the
room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and
running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and
then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6
years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,
'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied puzzled. The boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally
he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old
daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never
believe this!'

8) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his
church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that
nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son
and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for
the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and
into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my
funeral!)


9) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

10) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the
boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With
astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think
it's Adam's underwear!'

[chasswen]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you
charge for DA hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind
of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they
finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was
expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what
exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'