The Darkness
 

Alastair mentioned something on Geoff’s blog that I don’t believe has previously been discussed, specifically, your mindset. Though our backs may be fixed, our minds always manage to get back to that dark place whenever we feel a twinge, or worse. I suppose this is true with any chronic condition.

Though no one posting on this forum can boast 10 or more years of an improved lifestyle, would that really matter? Is fear a natural consequence when someone suffers a life altering health issue despite having had that issue resolved via surgery or alternative remedies?

Does this fear even have to be related to our health? What about any catastrophic occurrence such as an earthquake, tornado or hurricane? There’s also IRS audits or financial concerns, not to mention the dreaded computer crash as I had just yesterday. A little frozen moment and I’m already pricing out new computers.

So why do we store life’s adversities in the deepest crevices of our minds and go there time and time again over every little blip? Why don’t we break out in side hurting, uncontrolled laughter when something reminds us of those other moments that we all have had the pleasure of experiencing as well, instead of just smiling fondly?

Why is the darkness such a part of our lives? Is anyone really successful at living in the present? What is your secret?

I had spinal surgery which I'm struggling to recover from--my biceps and deltoids don't work, meaning I can't lift my arms. I am improving very slowly little by little.

However, the reason I am replying to your thread is that for the last few years, I've been afraid of almost anything negative that could happen to me or my family. Before I was a very optimistic person who could always see the light at the end of the tunnel, who often MADE the light appear. Now, one of my kids will comment that things are going badly at work, and I see him/her losing his job, not being able to find another one, asking me for money, etc. This is just an example, and not all my worries are about money. My mind just seems to see the potholes in life.

I used to feel invincible. Now I feel that bad things are inevitable.

the darkness
 

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The Darkness
 

Hey Dale,

That is a battle that each of us fight every day. There are days you win, and days you lose. How to remain proactive in light of a current episode or as we begin to fear the next one is difficult. Maria mentioned that she takes comfort in the natural/predictable flow of her episodes. I try to everything that I can to make the situation better from a knowledge and exercise standpoint. That was what led me to the surgery...I had done all I could do. I knew (or believed) the issue was mechancial and could be fixed with the right doctor performing the right surgery. Now its my job (in my mind) to get as fit as possible to maximize my quality of life and head off future episodes/preserve other portions of my spine. That might scare others to death, but a sedentary proposal would be emotional suicide to me.

I had an optimistic outlook for many years following a 1981 discectomy that for the most part got rid of my pain and limitations.

Starting in 2002 my journey with chronic pain had many valleys and deeper valleys. My mood followed the pain, up and down all over the place.

For the past couple of years my mood and thinking are very close to Maria's. I suppose I've matured in dealing with it. If the pain is less one day, I don't get hopeful like I used to. If it's worse the following day or I have some odd new symptom I don't get rattled like I used to.

Have you noticed this momentum effect... if you're at level 5 but improving (for example you recently took a PK), you feel much better than at level 5 when you know you're sinking (example you just tried something stupid and now you've got dues to pay).

I certainly haven't been able to rise above it.

A balloon with some air let out
 

What I find interesting is the effect of these falls into valleys on the reactions of others. In the initial days when I'd overreact to a minor twinge, want to call off a trip, etc., my spouse would be concerned. But, now I've developed a 'boy who cried wolf' reputation, so even my tempered reactions to big time pain are viewed with skepticism.

I too used to have much more fortitude. Much more of a fighter attitude. Now, I find I'm yielding more. Not quite giving up as much as giving in. Even my "never give up" inspirational talks with my kids sound a little deflated and unconvincing to me.

I worry how these little trips to the dark valleys will shape the personalities of my kids. I try to mask them. Sometimes, Oscar-winning performances. But, I know that they are smart enough to see beneath the veneer.

I find myself planning for worst case scenarios more. Talk about catastrophic thinking...

darkness
 

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Hi to all who have traveled the road to darkness. Though I don't recall names I know we have all met there!
I read this post and it hit home. I react with fear of severe pain to anything more than moderate pain. And it is this fear of severe pain that stops me from many things in life. So I spend a great deal of time in the "black hole" as I call it. I think a big bright light just came on! I should react to the pain I feel not what I fear. Wow and to think I paid money to mental health professionals and all of you were here for free!
Thanks guys....
I'm going to try it out!

I had such high hopes for my day today. I had totally intended to go out shopping on my own. Try to soak in some sunshine and just be...react only to what actually was, not what I fear it will be. It is really so simple to put into words but not so simple to put into action. I will try again tomorrow.
I feel like I have been in pain forever, but in relation to some of those here I am still in my infancy. I have also been so much worse and still done so much more than I do now. Why is that? My pain is so much less than it has been many times before. Fear of more pain is what is sending me to the darkness not the pain itself right now.
I wonder why no one ever pointed this out to me before or was I just too busy being scared to hear them. I am very glad to have this forum because the last thing I ever have to think about is if people here will understand.

fireangel
 

edited as necessary