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mary.mary 04-04-2009 01:50 PM


Ok, HOW do you do it? HOW do you pull yourself through a day when you have had NO SLEEP due to the PAIN, can barely function due to the PAIN, and yet still have to take care of your certain responsibilities?

TODAY is a HORRIBLE day already and it is only 930am!! I could NOT sleep at all, it was 6am by the time I was actually able to shut my eyes, then at 7am Amiah was awake needing her mommy. Not to mention that I only had 4 hours sleep from the night before.

I don't know how I am going to do it today!! I hurt SO BAD, I am SO TIRED and it is next to impossible to even change a diaper today, let alone play with her, take care of her etc... She cries because I can't pick her up lately to even give her a hug, she doesn't understand ANY of this and it's not fair!! She's already lost one parent, now she's losing me too!!

I KNOW that there are may people out there who are worse off than me but all I am asking is HOW DO YOU DO IT??:confused: I can't take anymore pain meds because then I will be out of commision and my baby girl needs me!!

Today is going to be a TOUGH DAY!!:(

Katie 04-04-2009 02:18 PM

Mary, I am soooo sorry. I have always thanked the lord above that my back problems hit after my daughters had grown up. I would not have been able to cope at all otherwise.

My only suggestion would be to find some pain meds that don't wipe you out so badly. I went through about six different kinds that almost put me in the hospital from side effects before my PM doctor switched me to short acting Morphine (Statex). It made me a bit drowsy at the beginning, but I can function much better on that than anything else. I certainly would be able to look after a child with it. Driving isn't such a good idea though ;)

That may be your answer. I can't even take long acting morph, as it has almost no effect on me, so I am just up 3 or 4 times a night...have to for bladder problems anyway, so just take the meds at the same time. And it is a very effective drug too.

Hang in there, my dear. It will get better, somehow, someway. Hugs.

Katie 04-04-2009 02:24 PM

Mary, can you call a a friend to look after your beautiful daughter for a few hours while you get some sleep eye?

Maria 04-04-2009 02:45 PM

Would Amiah be happy if she were lying on the bed next to you getting cuddled or propped up against a pillow at her back and cuddled into you for attention.

I had no children because of my back problems but I worked with premature infants/babies/maternal child health care/OB-GYN for a good part of my career and there were those days when my back was on the verge of going out and I just couldn't stand to do anything hardly but the one thing that saved me in the nursery was the rocker.. I could rock a baby to sleep or comfort holding them during a feeding or in between feedings and ease some of the pain off my back with this.

I don't know how old Amiah is so this may not work because she's too old like in her toddlerhood stages for which I would strongly suggest seeing if you can get some help with taking care of her as that age is run, run, run and never turning your back as anyone with children knows and the very reason I couldn't have done this beautiful thing myself re having kids.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband and I hope you will be able to get some help with your daughter tho with every move you make think about your body mechanics in terms of picking her up ~ do it from stool or somewhere that you don't have to bend down so much or put her on the bed and lift her ... (how much does she weigh?)

That was another difficult thing for me was lifting normal weight infants. I had trouble with my niece when she was 2 months old as she wanted to be carried all the time and then if you stood still she would start crying her eyes out so I put her in the infant car seat and would rock that back and forth and back and forth... she would be quiet!

Adaptations as your daughter grows as she will get heavier and you're going to have to think about how you can handle picking her up as you mentioned and holding her, dressing her and so forth.

BTW, have you seen a good Pain Management doctor? I don't know if pain meds and caring for an infant go hand in hand.. I kinda think not but then again if you cannot get out of bed to function hardly that's even worse...

Ok, Mary.. I know this is really difficult and I surely wish that whatever needs to be done re your spine is going to be taken care of, authorized, assisted by some modality because I know you must be in a great deal of physical pain and also emotional anguish re the proper care of your daughter.

Cyber hug...

New-disc 04-04-2009 03:41 PM


I feel your pain, my little one was born 6 months after my injury.

It's hart breaking every time you can't pick them up.

We built the crib on the floor, that way I was able to change her without lifting.

Like others have said, ask for help. Freinds/family

Hang in!! We're all here for you....


mary.mary 04-04-2009 03:48 PM

THANK YOU!! Katie and Maria for the advice..

Amiah is now 13 months old and at her 1 yr appt she weighed 22 lbs. She is a VERY active, well behaved little angel. She has finally started to take steps, but is clingy, which I guess is to be expected since it is just me taking care of her anyways.. I just changed my pic, that was a pic of her and daddy. I MISS HIM SOOOOO MUCH!!

I am an emotional rollercoaster today!! Just when I thought I was strong!!!

I am VERY thankful to all of you who have given their time to listen to me, give me advice and generally just be there, I don't think you understand how much this means to me. God pointed me into the direction of this Forum for a reason and I am THANKFUL for that!!

As for a Pain Management doctor, I have not even been referred to one yet, in fact my doctor didn't even think I needed anything, it was the doctor in the ER that gave me what I have now, and even that I don't want to take too much of because a) Amiah is still breastfed in the morning and at night, b) I can't get too drowsy because I am the only one here with her.

Well, she has just climbed onto the couch with me and is looking at me like ' are you going to feed me lunch?'

Thanks again!!

fuzzy 04-04-2009 05:00 PM

Is there anyway someone local can give you some help to take care of your kid so you can get rest or just not have to do certain things until you know more about your problem? If I could walk next door to help you out a little I would do it but I am probably too far away!

Terry Allen Blackburn 04-04-2009 05:02 PM

How did your husband die? I am so sorry for you. You will need to find a good pain management doctor, let him know that you are nursing and, don't wait for a referral. The doctor you are going to now does not seem sensitive to your pain levels. I live in rural Michigan and we have pain clinics up here so I know that they are very prevalent. I am including the following article to show that there is an alternative for you:
Pregnant or Breastfeeding? Buprenorphine, Suboxone, Subutex or Methadone - Safe for Baby and Mom?
Please do not mistake that I am calling you an addict. I am only making the correlation of the use of certain drugs that are known to be safer with women in pregnancy or after delivery. According to this article, Methadone is the preferred choice of medication to use when a woman is pregnant and the mother is addicted to opiates. How this applies to you is that Methadone can be a very good pain reliever. It is very important that you see a competent pain management program as the dosing of Methadone for pain is tricky and needs to be done carefully. Methadone is a long acting opiate that requires infrequent dosing which may be better for you while nursing. If you need any further assistance please let us know. Hang in there and we are all pulling for you. God be with you and your baby.

Terry Newton

Rosy 04-04-2009 05:10 PM

Terry, I have sent you a PM.

Mary, where about are you? I live in T.O/Ont. Let me know.

dshobbies 04-04-2009 05:52 PM


I am so sorry you lost your husband. It was indeed something terrible that happened to both you and your daughter. Now you will need a complete support system. This includes friends, relatives, in-laws, etc. Are you own parents, brothers, sisters, available to help you? What about volunteers from your local place oif worship? Other volunteer organizations?

If you have surgery, who's going to take care of both you and your daughter?

Though you already have a lot on your plate, this is something you need to take care of now. There are just too many emergency scenerios that might require other people in your life offering help and support.

So in addition to everything else you have to worry about, I suggest another priority is a multi-person support system/team. Like now!

I do hope you find relief, in more ways than your health. You are suffering and with luck and hope, there is a solution out there for you.


Maria 04-04-2009 06:53 PM

another thought
Here in California if one qualifies re income there is help available to come into the home and assist with newborn and childcare. I have no idea if this is an option for you tho just throwing it out there.

Terry.. it's amazing what 20 years difference can make re what doctors would be willing to prescribe to a pregnant woman. I worked quite a number of years as an NP in OB/GYN and not that I feel I might have been as mentally able to work in the same capacity however physically it would have greatly enabled me to get the care I do now via meds and actually be pregnant and have had a child. Oh well, such is life...

I'm glad that medicine is making the shift to treat the chronic pain patient like a real medical entity. It so greatly enables one to carry on with some of the normal activities of life.

Mary, I've been taking low dose Methadone now for 8 years and my dose has not changed at all however I would have to say that with pain meds it's good to have someone else around you while you start them if you do and able to be there for you and the daughter while you make the adjustment to the feeling in your head being medicated.

It's sort of a Catch 22 situation as I know you need to functional and therefore you may need to be medicated re your pain and with something that doesn't pass thru the breastmilk as Terry mentions and/or the other option is trying to get enough breast milk to freeze for awhile and/or switching to bottle milk since your daughter is over a year old now.

There are options, choices, decisions.. this is good;)

mary.mary 04-04-2009 07:47 PM

Thank you!!
The outpouring of support is overwhelming, I can't believe it!! It is truly AMAZING!!

My husband died in a car accident when our daughter Amiah was 4 1/2 mths old. He was coming home after a business trip and was hit by a transport truck, the driver of the truck fell asleep behind the wheel and crossed the line hitting him head on, he died instantly, that I was told I should be thankful for. It has been EXTREMELY tough without him here, everytime I look at Amiah I am reminded of him because she is the spitting image of her daddy. I learned how to cope and manage and was doing REALLY well, until I went skiing and well you know how the story went from then.

Well, I am actually in the middle of taking her off the breast milk, she is on a bottle as well, it was just in the morning when she wakes up and at night after her bath that she likes to have the cuddle. I am going to try to get her to take bottles at those times instead.

If you want to talk about one person have 'bad' luck that would be ME!! The only family I have to help me here is my sister-in-law. My mother died when I was 19, she was not well and even though it was sad to lose her, I did not like to see her suffering. My father, well nuff' said.

I do have friends who come by to check up on me and call to make sure all is ok, I have one close friend who was the one who took me to the ER the other night, he tries to come by nightly to help with getting Amiah to bed, especially since he saw what happened the other night, but he as well works hard and has his own family.

All of my aunts and uncles live in Ireland & England, IF surgery is the next step then I am going to HAVE to call on one of them to come and help me out. As well, I do have friends who live about 5 or 6 hours away to call if they are needed. I just don't like to feel like I am pulling them away from their own lives and families......

This is HARD!! I would have NEVER imagined that this is the way life would have turned in less than a year...

Thank you to ALL of you for your support!!

Rosy 04-04-2009 08:44 PM

Mary, do you live in Toronto??

mary.mary 04-06-2009 03:26 AM

NO, I live close to Fort Erie/Niagara Falls, Ontario.

Rosy 04-06-2009 04:35 AM

I wish you were closer to me...I could have come to your rescue.

Maria 04-06-2009 03:58 PM

I'm sorry to hear your relatives are so far off and you've not really much of a support system re actual hands on help. Do you shop over the internet for groceries and such?

I know you cannot get out much tho I was thinking about some local group that might be helpful to mothers at home in your circumstances like sort of networking with other "moms".. and then perhaps checking with the Red Cross in your area to see if there are services that could be helpful to you.

I wonder if you qualify for a patient care assistant? I don't really know just throwing things out there. Wish I could throw myself out that way for a while to help out tho I'm not really helpful with babysitting as I get tired just playing with my 20 lb dog a while..

wishing you the best as always and less pain!

melodyl 04-06-2009 11:10 PM

Mary and baby
Dear Mary,

My heart goes out to you and your little one. One thing that helped me continue watching my grandchildren after surgery was an electric hospital bed. With a remote control I could lower the bed enough that my one year old granddaughter could pull herself up without help. Her three year old brother was very happy to be in control of raising and lowering the head or foot of the bed as needed (or not!).

Others on this site know more about pain meds than me....please take their advice and find a good pain management doctor to help you. There are several choices when it comes to managing pain. Keep trying until you find the best combination of relief without too many side effects

Is there a volunteer center near you? If so, could you contact them to see if there is a surrogate grandparent or auntie that could help with your little one? I work with a young mom who does not have family nearby. Somehow she and her daughter were connected with a retired couple that didn't have any children or grandchildren. It was a match made in heaven!

Like others here, I wish I lived close enough to help you. Please keep all of us updated on your situation. We care!

Hugs, Melody

NeNe 04-07-2009 02:06 AM

Couldn't IMAGINE!!

I couldn't IMAGINE what it is you are going through. I am SO sorry for the loss of your husband. You must be devastated!! Your baby is BEAUTIFUL!!

I have to say this to you. You have found the right place, the people on here are the most caring people one could ever have the chance to get to know. They are here for you through the good, the bad & the ugly. Never do they pass judgement.

You are a very young lady with ALOT on your plate. I have read through alot of these replies and I have to agree with the idea that you should check your area for churches, groups etc that may be able to offer you help. What about a daycare for your daughter? Even if it is only a couple days a week, at least it will give you a chance to rest.

I wish I was able to come and help you out. My heart breaks for you!!

PLEASE keep us posted on how you are doing and don't forget that we are here for YOU!!

Wishing you nothing but the best always!!


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