[Blairsara]

Hey everyone

So I'm a month and 10 days out of surgery and I'm doing well. My pain has been worse this past few weeks because in the increase of my activity. So these past few days I've decided to lay low and just go for my walks (my cousin is getting married over the weekend so I have to be somewhat ok so I can last for more than 30 minutes). My legs are hurting a lot, especially both hips. The twitching thing is still going on, but has decreased a tiny bit. One day my right side hurts then its fine the next day but then the left side hurts.

This week has been really tough. I've been trying hard to remain positive, but things with my brother went to crap - he didnt do anything physical like last time but it did constitute as verbal abuse. I have tried to make it so I'm not around him by myself before this had happened. And although I'm not surprised that it did, I didnt think he was that much of an idiot to treat me the way that he did. Anyways, I thought that during my recovery things were going to be fine, and it wasnt going to be until after where I had to deal with all of his crap. Well I was wrong.

Anyways, I could tell immediately how my frustration, anger and hatred towards him affected my pain level. So I have decided, both for the sake of my recovery and for my safety, that I will not be near him by myself, wont talk to him by myself, will only deal with him when other people are around - basically the same plan that I was going to do once my spine fused. The thing that is the scariest is that he is bipolar and is not on medication... and I am always the one who is attacked, whether verbal or physical, when he has one of his "tantrums" and although he hasnt come near me since the surgery I don't know what may happen and that scares the living crap out of me.

The one thing that I didnt want was for my recovery to be about him, because everything always has to be about him, and now it has turned into that. And that in itself makes me frustrated and pissed off. Sorry for my rant.. but this has been going on for the past week and it makes me so mad that my pain level has shot up because of him when I am trying so hard to be positive. I had to delete him from my AIM contacts list because every time I saw his name I became filled with anger, which obviously is not good for the fragile state that I am in. I was thinking of writing a letter that I will give him after my spine fuses, but I don't know if I should even bother with that now or deal with it later..

I go to the doctor next week and will give my new update. I have now switched to a regular cane from the 4 pronged cane and am very happy! That thing was so friggen heavy. I'm starting to get bored out of my mind. Any ideas? I'm reading 3 books at a time, catching up on tivo, watching movies, seeing friends.. but still bored.. Any suggestions?

I hope everyone is doing really well.

Blair