todays funny

[chasswen]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag

The man reaches into the bag, pulls out a little man, about 10"
high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He
reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at
the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?", says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... just one wish.. each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled
with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks."

"No kidding!!", says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?!"

[mmglobal]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's
sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the
back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!
________________________________

WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?'
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she
fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
________________________________

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'SPERSPECTIVE):
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper
thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

________________________________

MARRIAGE SEMINAR: While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite
flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

________________________________

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS: A man walks
into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl
notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir,
I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers,
'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to
get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does
she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

________________________________

WIFE VS. HUSBAND: A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


________________________________

WORDS: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
'What?'

________________________________

CREATION: A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife
responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

________________________________

WHO DOES WHAT? A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should
do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of
cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do
it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

________________________________

The Silent Treatment: A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would
find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is
5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

________________________________

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece
________________________________

[chasswen]

A husband and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.

[chasswen]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; bec ause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to d o some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!'

[mmglobal]

Cell phones - 'New Law'

In California, we are no longer allowed to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands free' adapter, effective July 1, 2008.

I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.008 each because he bought in quantity.

Then we tried it with Motorola, Sprint, Verizon and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

A photo is attached so scroll down & take a look--it will certainly save some money.

Also, forward this to anyone you know, who has a cell phone, and who may want one!

[ans]

Great!!

You got me.

[chasswen]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ' Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

[mmglobal]

FUNNY FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER . . .


Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.



Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q.. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q.. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q.. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q.. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q.. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q.. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[chasswen]

Eve's side of the story...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going? inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fixit up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off.

The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from apart of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'