todays funny

[chasswen]

Loving husband Mark was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked
out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and took the box into the house. She opened it,
and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet able to have visitors.

[mmglobal]

THE SENATOR

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher
up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front o f it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours hav e gone
by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:"Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted..."

[chasswen]

hahah
that was cute mark
chuck

[mmglobal]

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar. (Tonight Show/Jack Paar)
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

[dshobbies]

Too true and a little sad. At least we can laugh at ourselves. I'm also throwing my 2 cents into the pot. My son sent this to me while in Iraq (not relevant but I thought I'd mention it) and I thought it so funny, it's one of the few things I've kept. Please enjoy!


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressue in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure of Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
the account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

The student received the only 'A'.

[chasswen]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.

[mmglobal]

Writing The Blues - A Starter Kit

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broke-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

[ans]

Great stuff; keep it up.

[mmglobal]

5 questions most feared by men:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?


What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. "Oh Yeah, loads."
b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
c. "That depends on what you mean by love."
d. "Does it matter?"
e. "Who, me?"

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic:
"Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. "Compared to what?"
b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin."
c. "A little extra weight looks good on you."
d. "I've seen fatter"
e. "Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. "Yes, but you have a better personality"
b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner"
c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age"
d. "Define pretty"
e. "Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: "Would you get married again?"
MAN: "Definitely not!"
WOMAN: "Why not, don't you like being married?"
MAN: "Of course I do."
WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"
WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?"
MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"
MAN: "She can't use them; she's left-handed."
WOMAN: - - - - - - -silence - - - - - - - -
MAN: "Damn."

[chasswen]

This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast.