todays funny

[chasswen]

Loving husband Mark was in trouble.

He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds flat, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work.
When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked
out the window, and sure enough, there was a small
gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and took the box into the house. She opened it,
and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet able to have visitors.

[mmglobal]

THE SENATOR

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you
settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around
these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher
up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in
the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front o f it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours hav e gone
by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:"Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted..."

[chasswen]

hahah
that was cute mark
chuck

[mmglobal]

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar. (Tonight Show/Jack Paar)
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

[dshobbies]

Too true and a little sad. At least we can laugh at ourselves. I'm also throwing my 2 cents into the pot. My son sent this to me while in Iraq (not relevant but I thought I'd mention it) and I thought it so funny, it's one of the few things I've kept. Please enjoy!


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it's compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not
a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressue in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure of Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
the account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God!"

The student received the only 'A'.

[chasswen]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.

[mmglobal]

Writing The Blues - A Starter Kit

1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broke-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

[ans]

Great stuff; keep it up.

[dshobbies]

A duck walked into a pharmacy and said,
"Can I please have some chapstick, and put it on my bill."

[mmglobal]

A 3-legged dog walks into the saloon and said,

"I'm look'n for the man that shot my paw!"

[chasswen]

DADDY CALLING HOME.

((RING)))

((RING))))

**Pick Up** "Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

** Brief Pause**

"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
&nb sp;
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she

isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he
didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the
bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

**Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this tel: 486-5731??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mmglobal]

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007

#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die

#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where
thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should
put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[dshobbies]

This could also fall under famous quotes, depending of who you consider famous...

"When was I born, AM or FM?"

My son

[mmglobal]

I can't vouch for any of these numbers.... but I wouldn't be surprised...

NBA OR NFL?


36

have been accused of spousal abuse




7

have been arrested for fraud




19

have been accused of writing bad checks




117

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses




3

have done time for assault




71,

repeat 71

cannot

get a credit card due to bad credit




14

have been arrested on drug-related charges




8

have been arrested for shoplifting




21

currently

are defendants in lawsuits, and




84

have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year

(I don't believe this one... MM)




Can

you guess which organization this is?











NBA or NFL ?









Give

up yet? . . . Scroll down,

























Neither,

it's the 535 members of the

United States Congress.





The same group that cranks out

hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.




AND THEY JUST VOTED THEMSELVES $15,000 PER MONTH PENSION FOR LIFE
AFTER SERVING ONLY ONE TERM IN CONGRESS!!

[dshobbies]

Sorry Mark but that's not funny! It's pathetic but don't get me started.

[mmglobal]

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."

"No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

[dshobbies]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...



A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding

anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that

because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!

Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....immediately he

turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

[mmglobal]

Writing The Blues - A Starter Kit




1. Most Blues begin "Woke up this morning..."


2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."


3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."


4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broke-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'.
Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.


6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.


9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Dillard's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses


11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you sleep in it.


12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund


13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.


14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:


a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast


15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.


16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling


17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie


18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


19. Make-Your-Own-Blues-Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore.


20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.

[ans]

Yeah!

[dshobbies]

Al Gore and Bill and Hillary Clinton go to heaven, and God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?'

Al replies, "Well, I believe that I won the election but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven my son. Come and sit at my right."

Then God addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

She quickly replies, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

[mmglobal]

Nice one Dale... reminds me......

What's the difference between God and a neurosurgeon.....

.

.

.

..... God doesn't think he's a neurosurgeon!

[chasswen]

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd
pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing
it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a
couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato
sacks.
Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hol d your arms straight for more than a
full minute.
(I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

[dshobbies]

A man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in
bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose
ALL your friends".

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a
brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
What's the difference between stress, tension and
panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.


A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies:
"No, I work in a condom factory and these are
customer complaints".


A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference
between confident and confidential.
Dad says:
"You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son, but that's
confidential!"

[Alastair]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
>faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
>One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
>discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
>rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
>bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
>bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
>Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
>terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
>leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
>
>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
>protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
>heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
>must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
>The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
>monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
>canine!
>
>Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
>and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
>
>"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
>leopard!
>
>Moral of this story....
>
>
>Don't mess with old fa**s...age and treachery will always overcome youth
>and
>skill! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[chasswen]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"
Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

[Jim M2]

http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...&search=Search

[mmglobal]

A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!

[dshobbies]

(You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend, sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!? shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..." What did Eve say to Adam after they had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[chasswen]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully , "Yo u 're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[chasswen]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's& nbsp;neighbors were
Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating
meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their
priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a
Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as
the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's ;neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born
a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[chasswen]

The Photo on the Night Stand



After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[dshobbies]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

[dshobbies]

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred
dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again
the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they
went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied,

South Carolina,"

Really"? she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[chasswen]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
&am p;nb sp; "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

[chasswen]

THE KNOB

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results

But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well then I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee....."

[dshobbies]

It's been awhile since I heard this so I'll try to do this justice.

A husband and wife, while eating breakfast, were discussing who would be their respective fantasy 'freebies'.

The wife kept fascilating between Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt. She talked incessantly, comparing looks, builds, supposed prowesses. She'd close her eyes, then roll eyes, sighing all the while.

Her husband barely put his paper down, tuning her out for the most part. When finally deciding on George Clooney, she asked, "So tell me sweetie, whose your freebie?"

Without missing a beat or putting his paper down, he quickly answered, "Your manicurist!"

[chasswen]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every

year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther,
I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and
fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll
take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word,
it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks
over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get
you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

[Alastair]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
__________________

[dshobbies]

19's great!

[Alastair]

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

[dshobbies]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

**************************************************
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[mmglobal]

Posted for Dale...

This table was for sale on eBay.





How can you tell this table is being sold by a man? And don't cheat either!!




It's not hard to tell!!




How can you tell it is being sold by a man?
Can you solve this little riddle?



First look and guess.



You will find the answer below, but don't cheat!



Know the answer? If not, scroll down now.....

















OK, Look in the mirror.



Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wide web, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture.

[Alastair]

THE TURKEY AND THE BULL


A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[chasswen]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time
for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has
been an error that needs adjusting?"
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perf ectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[chasswen]

A woman meets a man in a bar.





They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.





She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is



completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom,



with hundreds and hundreds of cute,



cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



and she was immediately touched



by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,



medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.





She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy



to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,



She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.



but doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,



after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,



"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"




She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips



He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,



and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom



where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,



more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.



After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,



they are lying there together in
the afterglow.



The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,



"Well,how was it?"



The guy gently smiles at her,



strokes her cheek,



looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:

"Help yourself to any prize



from the middle shelf."

[chasswen]

Subject: THEY WALK AMONG US! (LOL)









I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane ...............
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."



...............They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!



They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................they VOTE!

[dshobbies]

I hope this link works...
SimonSaysGame.wmv

It's a smile generator!!

Nope, I guess not. Well if any of you can figure out how to open this in Windows media player or any other application, it's worth looking at.

All my best, Dale

[Alastair]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

[chasswen]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and
the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband
off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[dshobbies]

THIS IS A LAWYER TO LOVE!

Only in Louisiana - you have to love this lawyer.
- It's too good not to share!

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house
in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be
granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being
offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which
took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information
to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):
''Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented
the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803.
Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the
title back to its origin.''


Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA Bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the Year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our damn loan?''



He got the loan.

[dshobbies]

Dorothy and Zelda, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice Hymie Cohen asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Zelda: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,
dressed like such a Gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me Downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and All. Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, Dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are Coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he Tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Zelda: "No, no, no... I'm just saying,
wear a shmata"

[chasswen]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.



"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.



"Did you help him?" she asks.



"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[dshobbies]

The Italian man said, “Last week my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love. She screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

The Jewish man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat) and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

“I wiped my hands on the bedspread!”

[chasswen]

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would
not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it in&nb sp;the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill
you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger.'

[chasswen]

A doctor buys a new Ferrari GT the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a scooter, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GT. It cost half a million dollars!"
That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor
proudly The scooter driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his scooter, the old man says, "
That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my scooter!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds,
the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor
asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the scooter!!
Amazed that the scooter could pass his Ferrari, he again passes the
scooter at 210 mph

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him AGAIN.
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the scooter bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the scooter plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is
still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[chasswen]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's Minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got
caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn a nd
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow e had met on
the
ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[chasswen]

Two ways to look at everything ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

... So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

[mmglobal]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

[mmglobal]

At first I thought that this joke was too risquee for the forum, but since it's about healthcare, I think it's OK here:

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that
at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles
could easily rupture.

' Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in
bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health insurance!'

[mmglobal]

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears...



Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your fears...



Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile....



But fart just one time....

[chasswen]

Last night, my wife Jan and I were sitting



in the living room and I said to her,


"I never want to live in a vegetative state,


dependent on some machine and


fluids from a bottle.


If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then


threw out my beer.



She's Such A B!tch......

[mmglobal]

[mmglobal]

Would you take this job?


POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings, weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on-call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard is not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute; and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

[chasswen]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in
a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:
Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the
sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs
down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a
chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[chasswen]

"OLD" IS WHEN Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of a lady’s face.

"OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are really jokes.

[chasswen]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me

from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies

everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats

on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six

years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he

does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the

breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the

bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't

even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't

need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from

New York running for President of the United States. Act

like one.

[mmglobal]

Best T-shirts of the Summer

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...

I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,

Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party

(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[dshobbies]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

Gene and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had
the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head
and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.

We haven't used Sears repair since.
________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."

From Kingman , KS
________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
a taco. She asked the person be hind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !
____________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in
your baggage without your knowledge. To which I replied,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
____ ___________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually
challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what
the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
_______________________________ ________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her own life couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "its open! His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
________________________________________________
STAY ALERT! They walk among us and they REPRODUCE!!

[chasswen]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he
told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...'

[chasswen]

I took my uncle to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My uncle kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my uncle, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[dshobbies]

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these 4 men don't know each other.

[mmglobal]

THE HAIRDRYER

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."Next!

[dshobbies]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

[chasswen]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena .

"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[chasswen]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week."
The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open
his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber
goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting
for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week."
The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when
the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen
different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming
More Successful.

"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his
bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and
leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[chasswen]

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

[chasswen]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men.

'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
'Pillsbury-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

[dshobbies]

WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given
five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning
of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring
on a "whatever").

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Screw YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3. If the
man replies with "ok", refer to #8.

[chasswen]

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the
principal. The principal to ld Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal
and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a que stion?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[chasswen]

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said; 'We were the first in space!' The American said; 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said; 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun; you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied; 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream .
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was play ing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A BLONDE WITH DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[chasswen]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[chasswen]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I cant wear your trousers." she said.

"Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and thats the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." =

[dshobbies]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jaco b: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[dshobbies]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[mmglobal]

In the Beginning


In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed,
and the fruit tree yielding fruit,"
and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood." And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."

And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

[chasswen]

This morning on theInterstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped




My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car


Using my knees against

The steering wheel,


It knocked

My cellphone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call.


Damn Women Drivers!!!

[chasswen]

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he

Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song,

Let us sing Hymn #365, "We Shall Gather at the River."

[mmglobal]

Got this one today... interesting...

How smart is Your Right Foot?

Just try this. It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it!

'Hope you find the manouevre interesting.

[dshobbies]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the synagogue," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the rabbi under the bed."

[mmglobal]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2007
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************* ******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.

We will have other types of music. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2007
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
************************************************** ***

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


************************************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2007
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*********************************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

[chasswen]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing, such was his fate in hell.
'No', OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder . I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said.....

'OK, Monica, you're free to go.

[chasswen]

My dear friend sent this & I just couldn't resist the temptation to pass it on. I fine a little humor helps to lighten these trying times.

President George Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate.


It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00
tax rebate because of various budget problems.


Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart , all the money will go to China ,


if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India .


If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs .....and none
of these scenarios will help the American economy.


We need to keep that money here in America .....so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on
prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses
still left in the U.S.


I'm Elliot Spitzer and I approve of this message.

[mmglobal]

Years ago... the joke with Clinton circulated, but instead of OJ, it was Ken Star.

From the same era:

After they'd been in the White House for a few months, Bill and Hillary snuck out to go for a drive on their own. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.

"What was that all about?" Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. "Oh," explains Hillary, "I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times."

"Well," observes Bill, "I guess if you had married him, you'd be pumping gas today!"

"Oh no, Bill," says Hillary, "if I had married him, he'd be President!"

[dshobbies]

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 -- Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8 -- Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[mmglobal]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?

7. Why does 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?

8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game' when we are already there?

10. Why are they called 'stands' when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'af ter light'?

12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

14. Why do 'overlook' and 'oversee' mean opposite things?

15. Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do w e wash b ath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do they call them 'Apartments?' Shouldn't they be 'Togethers?'

[mmglobal]

THE WEDDING

I am a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I have been happily dating for over a year - and so we've decided to take the next step and get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It is her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law is twenty-two, wears very tight miniskirts, and generally goes braless. She regularly bends down when she's near me. The view is always compelling . I'm thinking it has to be deliberate because she never does it when she's near anyone else.

One day 'little' sister calls and asks me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She's all alone when I arrive and whispers she has feelings and desires for me she can no longer overcome. She tells me she wants me just once before I get married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I'm in total shock and can't say a word. Then she says, 'I'm going upstai rs to my bedroom. If you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

I am, needless to say, stunned and frozen in shock as I watch that wholesome hardbody climb the stairs.

I stand there for a moment, then turn and make a beeline straight to the front door. I open the door and head straight for my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family is standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugs me and says, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[chasswen]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy
should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age,
the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father
decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his
study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. When he
comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the
bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be
okay, too. But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that wou ld be. And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered
the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the
silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress."

[chasswen]

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.




An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and
resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This
continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who
the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that
almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to
his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying t o catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[mmglobal]

I got gas today. It's been a pet peeve of mine for a couple of years that the $75 authorization on my debit card would not fill up my tank.

Today, while the gas was pumping, I asked the clerk how much the pre-authrization was for. "$99 was her reply."

That's great.... they increased it... but it still won't fill my tank. $4.39 for regular at the discount stations.... pretty sad.

Mark

PS... sorry to post this in the joke thread... it seemed like a good idea at the time... now it doesn't seem funny at all.

[chasswen]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He
wanted to plant
his annual tomto garden, but it was very
difficult work, as the
ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was
in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament:
Dear VincentI am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for
me, like in the old days..
Love,
Papa

....... A few days later he received a letter
from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden!!!! That's where the
bodies are buried!!!!!
Love,
Vinnie

.........At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents
and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

.........That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie