todays funny

[chasswen]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he
told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, 'Honey, you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...'

[chasswen]

I took my uncle to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My uncle kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my uncle, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[dshobbies]

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these 4 men don't know each other.

[mmglobal]

THE HAIRDRYER

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

The priest answered: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn
you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you"

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."Next!

[chasswen]

There will be no nativity scene in the United
State Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has
ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the
United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they

simply have not been able to find three wise men and
a virgin in the nation's capitol.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses
to fill the stable.

[mmglobal]

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_H...s/2041059#VT=1

[chasswen]

Guys,
Christmas is around the corner. Read this just in case you were considering
jewelry for the little woman.
Peggy

************************************************


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fricking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumb ass...