todays funny

[chasswen]

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade
and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had now had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the
principal. The principal to ld Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and
behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal
and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a que stion?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut"

Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of
heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the
fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[chasswen]

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said; 'We were the first in space!' The American said; 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said; 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun; you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied; 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream .
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


IN A VACUUM
A blonde was play ing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

A BLONDE WITH DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[chasswen]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[chasswen]

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I cant wear your trousers." she said.

"Thats right, said the husband, "and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and thats the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes." =

[chasswen]

For all of you in education, with sons,
grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult
words are often taken literally......

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back
to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him
to go down to the principal's office, and to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly,
there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only
to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out. 'I thought
I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that
if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from
school.'