todays funny

[chasswen]

DOG's DIARY :

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted!! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT's DIARY :

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of t he event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.

[chasswen]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Now what were you thinking???

[chasswen]

Which hole am I on ??

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So
you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
with the same request.

"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on
the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.

I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

[chasswen]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,
but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Francis.
Our prayers have been answered!'

[mmglobal]

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my
back yard and having a vodka and cranberry with lime along with a conversation
with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they
have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for
your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is
a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question,
so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I
here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart
and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more,
Senor, but for now, I must finish your lawn.

[chasswen]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag

The man reaches into the bag, pulls out a little man, about 10"
high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He
reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at
the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?", says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls
out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub
it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... just one wish.. each person is only
allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I
want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed
by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled
with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million
ducks."

"No kidding!!", says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 10
inch pianist?!"

[mmglobal]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's
sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the
back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!!
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WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?'
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she
fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'SPERSPECTIVE):
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper
thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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MARRIAGE SEMINAR: While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite
flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS: A man walks
into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl
notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the
correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir,
I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers,
'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to
get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does
she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND: A couple drove down a country road for several
miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


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WORDS: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
'What?'

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CREATION: A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife
responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
you!

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WHO DOES WHAT? A man and his wife were having an argument about
who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should
do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of
cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job,
and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do
it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

________________________________

The Silent Treatment: A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the
man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would
find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is
5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece
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