todays funny

[chasswen]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He
wanted to plant
his annual tomto garden, but it was very
difficult work, as the
ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was
in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament:
Dear VincentI am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
here my troubles would be over..
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for
me, like in the old days..
Love,
Papa

....... A few days later he received a letter
from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden!!!! That's where the
bodies are buried!!!!!
Love,
Vinnie

.........At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents
and local police arrived
and dug up the entire area without finding any
bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

.........That same day the old man received
another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[chasswen]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.


He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be
walking down the hall like that.


Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace . "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died.
"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it
Hanging out of your pajamas?"

You've gotta love this .)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

[chasswen]

The
Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
read:



BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.





The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.



The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The mora l of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery .. .
even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life.


Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

[dshobbies]

At the Russian military academy, a General gave a lecture on "Potential Problems and Military Strategy." At the end of the lecture he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked: "Will there be a third world war? Will Russia take part in it?"

The General answered both questions in the affirmative.

The officer asked: "Who will be the enemy?"

The General: "All indications point to China."

All the audience was shocked. The officer asked: "General, we are only 150 million, there are 1500 million Chinese. Can we win at all?"

The General: "Just think about this. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity that matters but the quality. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 50 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause the officer asked, "Do we have enough Jews?"

[chasswen]

George Carlin on age.
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greate st day of your life . . Youbecome 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, youREACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE itto 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a li ttle kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.


And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

[chasswen]

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing . And the traditional caps, they looked almost ... As grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears. This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it. The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families. The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation. A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened. All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!! The student on stage.. Simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU, Each and every one of you!' And he walked off stage... The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval. Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your friends.........and GOD BLESS YOU!!!! This is a true story; it happened at the University of Maryland

[chasswen]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box from him and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn!