How did/do you deal with the stress?

[jessmith07]

I feel like I'm falling apart...like there's a loose thread that's being pulled and all of my seams are slipping. I have an almost constant tremble; it's nothing visible, but I feel it. I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way...I'm two weeks away from departing for Germany, and now that the decision for surgery has been made, I don't know if I can go through with it. But I don't know if I can NOT go through with it. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating, and unable to reconnect. At times, I feel unable to make the smallest decisions. This is SO unlike me, and it's infuriating!!! There's a feeling of helplessness associated with all of this. I wish I could just close my eyes and fast forward to May 25th and I'm in the hospital and unable to back out. The waiting is the worst! UGH!

So NOW what? I don't know weather to laugh or cry!?!?

(can you tell I'm in an empty, quite house...and the "crazies" are getting to me AGAIN) I'm gonna go take a nap!

[Katie]

Honestly, and this is not going to be popular, but I used to have a beer. I don't drink...maybe have half a dozen a year, if that, but when I was totally overwhelmed, I'd have a bottle of light. I didn't like what I was doing, but it was the only way I could cope.

Some really 'smart' friends and family would offer suggestions like exercise, and could not understand why that would make things worse. The pain level would just escalate. Of course, this advice is coming from people who have barely had a headache in their lives.

I don' t know if you have tried this either but sometimes your doctor can prescribe ant-anxiety medication. I hate depending on this, but it is better than falling apart both physically and mentally.

I wish I could offer more...I'll put some more thought into it.

I do remember the day that I was first denied surgery by the Insurance. I was so sure I had done an awesome job of preparing my case. At that point, I still hadn't gotten sufficient pain control and was always on the edge of wanting to drop off the face of the earth. My friend and priest had driven down with me to get the letter from the courier, and there was so much red tape wording that I just didn't get it at first.

When it finally sunk in, I lost it...literally lost it. Screaming, yelling, sobbing and throwing things. This was so out of character for me, that I think everyone around was terrified that I was going to do something very wrong.

But it did work....it got all the nasties out of my system and allowed me to refocus. I don't know how you 'work', but perhaps a good belly wrenching cry will help. Just let it all out, and then regroup. Give yourself permission to be scared, to grieve for all the lost days, etc., and to throw away the stress.

So there's a few options for you. All of them have worked at different times for me, depending on the circumstances. For what it's worth, I think I will be doing through the same feelings when my surgery date gets closer. I think you are behaving normally and are incredibly brave. This is not a minor procedure. Be scared, then be brave...we will be with you all the way.

[dridobits]

Jess, so many hugs to you. I think it's normal for you to have a huge range of emotions. This is your future you are talking about...the next phase of your life. Of course your emotions are going to be many different things.

I have ativan and I take it when needed. It's a thought. For me, I don't need to suffer anymore than I have and the ativan takes the edge off. You might want to talk to your doc or someone about getting some to get you through this waiting period. Just a thought. It was offered to me when I had a very very stressful medical situation and since then the docs agree it's good for me to have on hand. There are other things like valium. I don't like to push more drugs but for me has made a huge difference.

Of course your scared and emotional. Your about to have a major surgery and we don't know the outcome. It's the not knowing that I think that can drive us crazy. However, when I was in that state of "not knowing" I realized it was an opportunity for me to work on my skills regarding such.

It's really important to remain positive. If you feel like your going into a negative space, it's important to share that with others. I think that just by talking about it and writing as you have that can diffuse the situation...let some air out of the bag.

I am wishing you the very best. When I'm stressed I do what relaxes me...maybe watching a good movie...something to take my mind off of it. I take a lot of hot baths and sometimes just the little differences of having clean sheets, clean clothes, clean house can really help take some anxiety away.

I will be thinking of you and am wishing you the very best.

[Cheryl]

Hey Jes

I totally felt like I was falling apart too. I called Chuck (on this forum) and he talked me through it. He has a friend who had 4 levels done right before I was due to go over there and I called him too. Something about talking to someone who just went through it and survived it really helped me. Send me a PM if you want to talk.

I'm 40 mom of 3 and live in Charlotte.

[treefrog]

I am having a bit of the crazies myself Jess. In the morning, I thought the whole financial situation was well under control. But then this afternoon things crashed again, and I feel like I am going to lose it.

I need for the financial part of this to be handled so I don't have to worry about it. But it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Everything is going to come down to the wire. And I feel like I am going to throw up.

And I haven't started worrying about the what-if's with surgery itself. If that happens, I don't know what I am going to do. I can't take it.

I am going to see my PM doc in the morning, I will talk to her, not just about meds, but about the stress and anxiety. I am usually a very calm person, and can handle whatever comes along, but I am not doing a very good job at it right now.

Thanks for calling me last night. And if you need to talk, feel free to call again. Or I could call you, I have national calling on my cell phone, and don't pay long distance. Just let me know if you need to talk.

[treefrog]

Originally Posted by dridobits

I have ativan and I take it when needed. It's a thought. For me, I don't need to suffer anymore than I have and the ativan takes the edge off.

My PM doc prescribed ativan for me today, as one of the meds to take to Germany with me. In addition she prescribed amitriptyline (sleep aid, and anti-depressant), zofran (for nausea), more Opana-ER and oxycodone (the two pain meds I've been taking, but she gave me double the amount), and lidoderm patches for around the incision. So, I think I am ready to go, as far as meds are concerned. Oh, except I am going to buy some Miralax when I pick up the Rx's after work.

With all the stress I've been dealing with, I am planning on taking an amitriptyline tonight. I hope it will help me get a better night's sleep than I've been getting lately.

Jess, I hope you are doing okay today. And I hope you have a nice weekend, especially for Mother's Day.

[Michelle Maree]

One thing I have noticed is how important it is to be properly medicated for pain.
I am amazed and envious at how many drugs you guys are on and how freely they seem to be given.
This is something extremely hard to obtain in Australia its actually quite discusting .
I had to fight tooth and nail to get something stonger than ibuprophen here and once on oxycontin am not allowed to refill my prescription untill just about to the day, let alone up the dose because it isnt covering the pain.
So I would say proper pain management is a must.

[Nairek]

Michelle,

It is true that in the US it is a lot easier to have pain meds prescribed by your doctor. Actually, any meds for that matter. It seems that the answer to what ails people is to just pop pills. At least that's how it seems how doctors think.

I have been on pain meds & muscle relaxants on & off for years. I get them filled at the same pharmacy & I know that I am on their "watch list". If my pain mgmt doc doesn't write my scripts out clearly, I have to wait for the pharmacy to call him before they fill my script. So if I try to fill it on a Saturday, I have to wait until Monday. Good thing I keep a few extra pills to get through the weekend.

Any narcotic medication that I have been on, will not have a refill. I have to go back to the pain mgmt doc to get another prescription. I believe this is how they keep track as to how much you are taking & whether or not the prescribed dose is helping.

It's really sad that you have to fight so hard to get the relief that you need. Proper pain mgmt is a must & you shouldn't be denied that.

[Maria]

I think you made the decision to have surgery because you feel it's what is going to work for you so as others have said be hopeful and go!

Feeling scared is so normal but as it is has been said if you've done all you can on a conservative level and that's not working then you have to reasonably move to the next step that will help you achieve your personal goal to get better.

You had 7 kids and are raising them so this is probably going to be like a vacation to you (at least a little like one)

Best wishes with your upcoming surgery and I say *just do it* (I didn't and I admire people that get it together and do!)!!!

[cavalier]

My advise is DONT try to think of the WHOLE thing at ONCE - just think of it in mini steps & one thing at a time - day by day. Take a DEEP breath & pray leave it at God's feet if you believe in God & trust that he knows your worries cares etc. It will overwhelm u if you try to think of the whole picture at one time. Just do steps each day to get yourself over there & once there take it as it comes. You can deal with tommorrow when tommorrow comes.
I had my ADR L4L5 a complicated case for a single level by Dr B at Straubing - I didn't know how we would get there in one weeks notice but we did.
I am in the process now of having to assemble thoughts quickly again - for my neck in going back to Germany.
My Best & know you have many others upholding you in spirit - that I REALLY felt the day of my surgery & afterwards. I still remember Mark's call from the USA.
Day by day my dear bit by bit - dont think too far ahead just break it down - it is more managable that way.

Jill

[Kraze Kat]

I have been reading the various topics and trying to be not so freaked out about the operation I will be having shortly. My main question, though, is are there people that have gone through ADR by themselves. Unfortunately it is just me and my crazy cat. I would like to know what is recommended to do in advance. I have a feeling my fridge will be stocked with TV dinners at least for the first little while. One of my cars is an automatic, so that should be easier. I have automatic feeders and such for the cat so I will not have to pour food everyday. His water will also last a couple weeks (though all I really have to do is let the faucet drip as he prefers this. I am sorry I am a little scatterbrained right now, but I have two weeks until I have it done. I am trying to tie up all of the loose ends and have most of it under control (I think). I just don't want to overlook any small details that can turn around to bite me in the butt. I hope I am mentally prepared, but we will soon see. AAAGH! (There, I got it out)

[Nairek]

How do I deal with the stress? That is a really good question. I really don't know how I have dealt with it. So far this year I had a 6 day hospital stay with fusion surgery, had to put my dog to sleep, my grandmother passed away (we weren't very close though), my husband may be getting laid off from work soon, we are moving out of state, & the medical bills are starting to roll in from surgery. I'm surprised that I haven't totally snapped yet.

I have seriously mellowed out over the years. When I was younger, I was known for blowing up over relatively small things. I noticed that after I got hurt the first time around, the more stressed out I got, the more my muscles tensed up & the more I hurt.

I made decisions in my life to avoid/rid myself of those who caused a lot of stress/drama for me. It helped but I was lonely. So I adopted a beagle. Boy oh boy she was a handful. She created a lot of stress for me but I loved her & eventually after a few years she mellowed out some. Pets are truly the best stress relief a person can have. Sadly, I had to put my beloved Peanut to sleep 1 month after having my fusion surgery. I miss her terribly & still about cry when I talk about her.

When I was going through my appeals with BC/BS & the NYS Insurance Dept. to get approval for ADR surgery, I was working 40-45 hours per week & going to school 3 nights per week as well. In the middle of all of this, I got married as well. In the end, I lost my appeals & continued the downward spiral with my spine.

I concentrated on finishing school which was a huge accomplishment since I always hated school. I even made the Dean's List & managed an academic citation. Holy cow was all I could say

I think I deal with stress in an odd way. I have always had or created my own stress for years. I guess I have just dealt with it for so long, that my mind has just accepted it as a daily thing. I am not on medication for it. Been there, done that, hated it.

The only way that I was able to deal with the stress of surgery was to more or less disassociate myself from the reality of it so to speak. Not necessarily a healthy thing to do I guess. I tried to not think of the bad things that could happen. I more or less live & think on a day to day basis. I can't look at things in a long term sort of way. When I think about too much at once, I get hit with anxiety.

I do suffer from depression. It can get really bad sometimes. It's usually worse at night. I just cry & let it out. I also listen to music. Anything from classical to death metal. I'm more of a metal chic though I use to play keyboards & I'll have to try to get back into that again as well as drawing. When the moment strikes, I write poetry.

I don't know if any of these things will help you to relieve stress. I say give it a shot & see if it helps. Please know that you are not alone in your struggle. There are a lot of people here who have walked down the same road. We are a community & we are here to help. Please do not be afraid to reach out.

I wish you well & hope that you are able to get some rest!

Karin

[runner]

Jess,

I think you will be fine and you CAN DO THiS.
It may seem overwhelming to you now, but soon you will be on the other side.
Think about the pain relief you will eventually experience.
Think about getting your real life back.
Think about how your family will like their real mom back.
Think about going to your kid's activities and not worrying about your back.

Good luck and don't worry too much.

Runner

[jessmith07]

Thank you all SO much for taking the time to talk me through this and share.

I'm doing better today, and I decided that it's best not to alter my schedule and stay home...it's best to just push though it no matter what.

I did manage to get a nap yesterday, and go to my daughter's band concert last night (sitting in those metal folding chairs is NO FUN!!! ) then woke up at about 12:30 this morning and didn't go back down until around 4:00.

But! I didn't post any middle-of-the night panic stricken rantings, so I must be calming down and getting some peace with what's going on.

You guys really are a HUGE help for me...you are like my guardian angels...

[dshobbies]

Jess & all,

Living with constant pain, facing an uncertain surgery, dealing with financial issues - it all wears you down and robs you of your sanity. The fears and anxiety are overwhelming. These mere mortal descriptive words can't even begin to encompass the toll on your life and the effects to your family and friends.

If you know how to meditate, it can relax you, giving you the chance to cope just a little more. If not, it is very definitely worth looking into. I also recommend wearing a good back brace when in taxing situations. It was the only thing that allowed me to go out into the world. Though you ultimately might become dependent on the brace, so what. If it helps, it helps.

All of us here know about the crazies. We've all had/have them. It's a consequence of your situation. If you didn't have them, we'd probably all question your mental health. As far as dealing with your feelings, we each managed to find our own way but try to smile, try to laugh, even if that laughter leads to tears.

I know it's tough, my best, Dale

[Nairek]

Originally Posted by jessmith07

Thank you all SO much for taking the time to talk me through this and share.

Any time Jess. Remember, you are not alone.

Karin

[mmglobal]

We are in such a tough spot needing this kind of surgery. We have very few options and none of them are great. If you have done enough research to fully believe that you are making the best choice possible, you are doing everything you can to save your life. Some people approach their surgery with great anxiety, but it's not helpful. You are just a few short weeks or months away from disovering what the rest of your life can be like. Embrace the flood of emotions you are having... (hopefully,) you'll never again experience things so intensely. It's like trying to drink from a fire hose.. you are being flooded with such intense emotion, it's hard process. Just know that whatever it's like and whatever your recovery is like, if this gets you to a better life... you'll look back on this and will barely remember how difficult it was. This all just makes for a better story. I'm always surprised but have seen many times, people who struggled as you are wind up telling others that it was 'no big deal'. Go be a success and this will be something to smile about!

See you in Straubing!

Mark