Chronic Pain and family that dont give a rats

[Hooch]

Anyone else had to deal with this?

I am 3 months post op hybrid fusion/adr, and consider myself very very fortunate to be rid of that geuninely disabling pain.

About me: had pain for 5 years, 3 years had severe pain with times of just agony. I worked through it and didn't miss a day. It wasn't a work injury, no access to insurace, didn't want to curl up into a ball and die, never really complained, worked constantly at trying to rehab myself.

Eventually it became over the top, lost a lot of function due to unmanageable pain, was in a failed medical system that part of the country, went down the eastern seaboard to family base so i could access surgeons. With a lot of knockbacks and to and froing I got it done. Of course it sent me broke and terminated a career.


When I arrived down here I couldnt stay with my Mum due to an alcoholic brother, ended up in motels and friends of the family. Had to use my old mans money, which we had a verbal agreement on. He ended up hanging up on me a week post op, telling me to 'have a nice life', then has basically refused my calls. Finally got the bastard on the phone a couple months later after sending him some very bloody nasty emails, and he yelled at me over and over for 20min that I'm mentally ill etc etc. Which is all ok with me, i've been through worse, in that it clears things up for where the miserable selfish prick stands and is quite clear he will only tear me down and wants to look the other way and not be disturbed by any suffering i endure. He's been forgiven a lot over the years and offered new chances, but now there is just no point.. im quite sure he is emotionally damaged by whatever he went through in his time. Doesn't excuse the bahaviour tho, and I will move to protect myself and my future.

I was really bad pre-op. At 28, broke, unemployable, partially disabled, no where to stay and no way out of the hole. Id suffered a long condition in my early 20's which took me a good 4-5 years to beat, and was back in a deeper hole through no fault of my own. If I didn't see improvement from the op, or some other way of basically having some normal function and becoming employable somehow, I was pretty well exhausted and knew a quiet rock where I was going to go and cash my chips and just spare myself all this suffering and stigma.. i cant stand the stigma and people looking down at you or pitying you.


Anyway I'm not really after sympathy, as I'm not a sympathetic person and im no angel. I just wonder has anyone struggled deeply with this sort of thing? I just feel gutted and empty and like I just want to go off somewhere quiet and safe and recover. I've been through this before and it did take me years to come back. I think it will be hopefully quicker this time as Ive trod this path before and am no stranger to building myself back up from broken pieces.. but crikey.. like in a book i read (cry of the damaged man) it can take an eternity for the hollowness to heal.


Does anyone know what im talking about or am I alone on this one?

[Hooch]

Oh well just figured it out. Had my old man saying I lost friends because of my bad attitude and if he had chronic pain like I had and lost his jobs and function and had to move state it wouldn't happen to him.

Delusional loser, frankly. Clueless and proud of it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one has who had close family members try and tear them down when they are vulnerable.. awful and so unecessary. Just really unjustifiable and i dont understand it. I guess u can only call these people for the degenerate grubs they are and **** them right off.

Never thought I'd face a battle on the homefront, but there u go.

[jsewell]

My brother kept telling me before my cervical osteotomy that i needed to buy an inversion table and that would solve my problem. Well i had a broken neck, glad i didn't take his advice.
now they all , my family, keep bugging me to get disability money. I keep telling them i was a teacher and we don't pay into disability and i do not have enough credits to claim it. Yet they keep telling me i am wrong!!!
family can be a pain

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

Have you even noticed how often friends and family abandon those who are in need? Also, have you ever notice how those in need can often be insensitive to the world around them? While I don’t believe these two things go hand in hand, our emotions and protecting them may be a primary cause, as well as unadulterated jerks who care about nothing but themselves.

Though I never really considered myself a jerk, or worse, a happenstance changed me forever, decades before my back became problematic. I was in a lady’s room, washing my hands with my back to the door. A woman walked in asking if there was a handicap stall. My response was curt and rude until I turned around and saw this woman was blind. This ahah moment, for which I am beyond grateful, changed my life. I now look upon giving as a gift – which doesn’t mean I too do not have my needy moments.

The point is, few people ever have that ahah moment. They don’t understand and most people fear that which they cannot (or simply don’t want to) comprehend. They have expectations of the world around them which is usually quite disappointing. I’m not excusing your father’s behavior but I’m betting he just doesn’t get it. Compassion is something foreign to him.

Now having attempted to explain a possible why your father behaved abominably, doesn’t excuse bad behavior. When at my lowest, I found it necessary to remove as much negativity from my life as possible, which included some friends and family. This is easier said than done but my life is better without them in it. First and foremost, we must help ourselves.

No, you are not alone. Family dynamics is complicated and have always been a difficulty in most of our lives. Just know it’s okay to love someone without actually liking them. It’s also okay to not love them too.

I hope the next phase of your life is easier. Good luck,

Dale

[mmglobal]

Going through the surgical ordeal with more than 70 families now I’ve seen so many different family dynamics. At best it’s an amazingly difficult situation. Some people can set it all aside and just support one another in their time of need. Others carry their baggage in front of them and can't do anything without tripping over it.

While I’m very fortunate to have my support system, I’ve experienced some of what’s been written about. It took me a long time to realize that’s most of the people in our lives cannot understand what we are going through. We look OK. They’ve had their back pain. “I used to have back pain like yours, but now I stretch and do sit ups every morning and that takes care of it!” They can’t understand and more importantly, we can’t expect them to.

I don’t know what to say about your dad. It sounds like he’s responding to the past, not the present. I learned by example from my parents. Each crisis is an opportunity to show your loved ones how much you love them. It’s easy for me to say that because I’ve not been burned by doing this in the past.

I wish I had some great advice for you. It sounds like you going to have to dig out of this on your own. I hope you and your family can get past this in the future. It sounds like your surgery was something of a success, so you'll have a good chance. Hang in there.

Mark

[Hooch]

Ta for the insights.

Originally Posted by dshobbies

They have expectations of the world around them which is usually quite disappointing.

It’s also okay to not love them too.

I think so. I felt the the harder things got the better person I had to be. But I realise that a lot of people dont see much outside of what benefits them, and if they dont understand it it is someone elses problem. Which is fine for strangers, not so good for people u love.

I suspect I just have to let it go and leave them in the dust. Not the sort of thing u can do at a drop of a hat, but it'll happen slowly.

I know this wouldn't have a whole lot different if I had any other severe chronic, or even terminal disease frankly.. so on the brightside at least I found this out about the old fellah while ive got plenty of living in front of me. The op could've been a failure and I'd be stuck relying on these people for an extended period.. thank god that didnt happen. Thank god for that hey.

Thanks Dale, u've obviously been there, and everything u say rings true to me.

Chris.

[Hooch]

Yeah, I dunno, just sick of being betrayed. Emotionally in a world of hurt, after being rejected while I was in that state.

Ive fought people all my life and im tired sick of pulling knives out of my back it cant go on like this forever

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

I am a type A personality with red hair and all that goes with it. My temper rises quicker that would seem humanly possible. It used to be uncontrollable as it still is in my father and one son. There are some things that can get me going.

I think the first step in protecting yourself is to understand yourself. This is a lifelong process and not an easy one but if you want to relax and enjoy the rest of your life, a good intraspective look is necessary, as is complete honesty.

Does your father, or anyone else, react to you because of you or because of them? We are all products of our upbringing and if your father is a negative person, most likely, you are too. Compare yourself to someone you admire and to someone you don't. The results can really open your eyes.

Most people never have to closely examine their lives or thoses of their loved ones. But when some form of adversity enters our life, we become different. We are special and must deal with our special problems. How can we expect others to understand us if we don't understand ourselves?

At the end of the day, you go to sleep with yourself and wake up in the morning with the same person. You should get to know him. Then, gradually, when all is said and done, you'll be able to protect yourself and stop the knife throwing.

Through my entire ordeal, though my family has its share of problems, they were all quite supportive but still things were said and/or done that hurt. Going through this with an unsupportive family is an entirely different story. My hat is off to you!

Btw - slow, deep breathing is usually calming. Try no more than four breaths per minute.

Dale