todays funny

[chasswen]

Tough Gettin' Old

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open"..

[chasswen]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother
asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother
tells him no breakfast till the chores are done. Well, he's a little
pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he
kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl
of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a
week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting
any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast, grumpy, and kicks
the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
and with a smile says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"