todays funny

[Alastair]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her
>faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
>One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
>discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
>rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some
>bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
>bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
>Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
>terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
>leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
>
>Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
>protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
>heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
>must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
>The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
>monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
>canine!
>
>Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
>and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
>
>"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
>leopard!
>
>Moral of this story....
>
>
>Don't mess with old fa**s...age and treachery will always overcome youth
>and
>skill! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[chasswen]

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new
Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf
pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"
Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimes the Irish attendant.
Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

[Jim M2]

http://www.youtube.com/results?searc...&search=Search

[mmglobal]

A 2007 study by Clemson University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!

[mmglobal]

Not a joke... but too beautiful not to share.

Albino Peacock...






And for a laugh...

[Alastair]

Great truths that little children have learnt:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

[chasswen]

The Mailman's Last Day:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35years of

carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same

neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his

route he was greeted by the whole family there, who

congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift

envelope.



At the second house they presented him with

a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed

him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route,

he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and

gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly

beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by

the hand, gently led him through the door ( which she

closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the

bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him

a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry

waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was

truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out

from under the cup's bottom edge. All this was just too

wonderful for words, he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today

would be your last day, and that we should do something

special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said,

'Screw him...give him a dollar.'

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

[mmglobal]

Not a joke, but a nice diversion for car buffs:

1948 TUCKER