todays funny

[chasswen]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time
for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
> When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want
to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has
been an error that needs adjusting?"
> The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perf ectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again
perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say,
"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[chasswen]

A woman meets a man in a bar.





They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.





She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is



completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom,



with hundreds and hundreds of cute,



cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



and she was immediately touched



by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,



medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.





She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy



to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,



She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.



but doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,



after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,



"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?"




She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips



He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,



and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom



where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,



more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.



After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,



they are lying there together in
the afterglow.



The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,



"Well,how was it?"



The guy gently smiles at her,



strokes her cheek,



looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:

"Help yourself to any prize



from the middle shelf."

[chasswen]

Subject: THEY WALK AMONG US! (LOL)









I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

This actually happened to me in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane ...............
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free"
She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

...............They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."



...............They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

...............They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

...............They Walk Among Us!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

...............They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!



They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................they VOTE!

[chasswen]

Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching
the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them
was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the
forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the
chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The Priest was really getting
enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst
of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

[mmglobal]

Two priests stayed out too late one night and they'd had more than just a few drinks. Upon returning to the rectory, they discovered all the gates locked.

"No problem", said the first priest. I'll give you a boost up that tree, you can shimmy across the branch over the fence, drop on the other side and open the gate from the inside.

As the second priest was looking down from the tree branch, he grew a little nostalgic. "Kind of makes you feel like a little boy", he said.

The other replied, "Yeah, but where are we going to find one at this time of night!"

[chasswen]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can
have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy
Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."