todays funny

[chasswen]

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would
not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money
is.

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it in&nb sp;the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill
you if you don't tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'

The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger.'

[chasswen]

A doctor buys a new Ferrari GT the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a scooter, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GT. It cost half a million dollars!"
That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor
proudly The scooter driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his scooter, the old man says, "
That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my scooter!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds,
the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor
asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the scooter!!
Amazed that the scooter could pass his Ferrari, he again passes the
scooter at 210 mph

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old man gaining on him AGAIN.
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the scooter bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the scooter plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is
still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

[chasswen]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's Minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got
caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn a nd
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady
agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow e had met on
the
ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Buddy.
I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

[chasswen]

Two ways to look at everything ...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

... So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

[Alastair]

Two female blond cops were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.
The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,
"Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[chasswen]

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

[chasswen]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ????



Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?