todays funny

[chasswen]

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in
a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones:
Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the
sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and
Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council,
they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs
down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a
chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[chasswen]

"OLD" IS WHEN Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of a lady’s face.

"OLD" IS WHEN You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN You are not sure these are really jokes.

[chasswen]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me

from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies

everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats

on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six

years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he

does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the

breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the

bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't

even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't

need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from

New York running for President of the United States. Act

like one.

[mmglobal]

Best T-shirts of the Summer

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going

6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...

I Just Can't Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?

11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,

Seeks Frog

13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About

19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party

(on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You

30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31) In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[chasswen]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[chasswen]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.

He set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to g o ahead and kick it up a no tch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 pe rcent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine . The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and as amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

[chasswen]

Rubber Gloves
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made".
Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!