todays funny

[Alastair]

Great truths that little children have learnt:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

[chasswen]

The Mailman's Last Day:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35years of

carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same

neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his

route he was greeted by the whole family there, who

congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift

envelope.



At the second house they presented him with

a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed

him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route,

he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and

gifts.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly

beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by

the hand, gently led him through the door ( which she

closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the

bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him

a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry

waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was

truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out

from under the cup's bottom edge. All this was just too

wonderful for words, he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today

would be your last day, and that we should do something

special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said,

'Screw him...give him a dollar.'

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea"

[mmglobal]

New quote I got yesterday... someone new's signature file:

Don't ever argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference-

[chasswen]

For all those who have kids and those of us with grandkids, you know
this will happen.
> > This one is for everyone who...
> > a) has kids
> > b) had kids
> > c) was a kid
> > d) knows a kid
> > e) is going to have kids.
> > I guess that means all of us!!
> >
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this', and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'

[Gil Denis]

Was it salty
Gil

[chasswen]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

'We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife' said one Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The Mountie said, 'I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay.'

Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's
the good news?'

The Mountie continued, 'When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five
pound snow crabs and 6 large lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded, 'If that's the good news, what's the
great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.'

[New-disc]

Funny....

Now that's recyling at its best!!

Todd

[trkdoc714]

A priest was holding classes for 3 couples interested in joining the church. After all of the bookwork, he diecided to test their wills against the temptations of the flesh.

"You all must remain celebate for 30 days" he explained to them. "If you relent to the temptation, I may not let you join." The couples agreed and left the meeting.

After 30 days passed the group was gathered again to tell the priest of the temptations.

The first couple explained "It was difficult at first, but we consoled each other and found distractions to make it through the 30 days."

The priest complimented them and welcomed them to the church.

The second couple looked disheveled but told of how difficult it was resisting the pleasures of the flesh. But they made it!

The priest congradulated the couple on making it through a very hard task without bending to temptation and welcomed them to the church>

The third couple sat there quietly looking embarrassed. The husband finally spoke up. "We only made it one week. My wife bent over to pick up a jar of pickles and I couldn't resist. We made love right then and there."

The priest was furious. He exploded on them for being weak and giving in to temptation so easily. He blurted out "I don't think you can become a member of this church!"

The husband looked down at his feet and replied "That's okay, we're not allowed in Krogers anymore either."

[chasswen]

Freaky Best Man Speech
this is a must look at all the way to the end its crazy funny.
chuck

[chasswen]

The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.



His name?.... .. .





We just call him 'TV.'

(Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!)

He has a wife now...We call her 'Computer.'

[Gil Denis]

Hi chuck
IT SOUNDED LIKE A PAUL HARVEY STORY
We loved the best mans speach
Thanks
Gil

[mmglobal]

Courtesy of Dr. Stark...


As you know, Ben & Jerry created the "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama.

They also asked for suggestions from the public for a George Bush flavor. Here are some of their favorite responses:

Grape Depression

The Housing Crunch

Abu Grape

Cluster Fudge

Nut'n Accomplished

Iraqi Road

Chock 'n Awe

WireTapioca

Impeach Cobbler

Guantanmallow

ImPeachmint

Heck-of-a-Job-Brownie!

Neocon Politan

RockyRoad to Fascism

The Reese's-cession

Cookie D'oh!

Nougalar Proliferation

Death by Chocolate and Torture

Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream

Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder

Credit Crunch

Country Pumpkin

Chunky Monkey in Chief

WMDelicious

Chocolate Chimp

Bloody Sundae

Caramel Preemptive Stripe

Mission Pecanplished

[mmglobal]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[mmglobal]

For all you broadway musical fans... (with crumbling retirement plans)

http://www.newsday.com/media/flash/2009-04/46217527.swf

[mmglobal]

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god

[mmglobal]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how
big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best
friend.





A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

[mmglobal]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old? Well.... You'll love this one!

___________________________________________


My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School . 'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'you were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked;

"what did you teach ???"