todays funny

[chasswen]

The Kind Hearted Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied.

'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.

They are over there,under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered .
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high'

[mmglobal]

Posted by gumby's neck on Braintalk

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now
The Alphabet:

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, N OW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind..

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

[chasswen]

Ray & Bubba ( Arkansas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.


'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, 'but we don't have a ladder.'


The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches' , and walked away.


Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'


Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government.... ... and helping to design the "stimulus package."

[mmglobal]

During a commercial airline flight, a Navy pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as
possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and, in true pilot fashion,
exclaimed, 'And all these years, I've been chewing gum.'

[dshobbies]

One day Benjy comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks, "What is fornication, Dad?" He gets the answer all Jewish fathers give:

"Why don't you ask your mother, Son?"

So Benjy goes into the kitchen and asks his mother,
"What is fornication Mom? Dad said you would know." His mother replies, I'm busy right now Benjy, why don't you go and ask your bubbe. She will tell you."

So Benjy goes upstairs to his bubbe's room, knocks on
her door and shouts, "Please Bubbe, what is fornication? No one here seems to know." Bubbe says, "Come inside tatellah."

She then takes him to her closet, opens the door, takes out a beautiful full-length pink, beaded evening dress and says, "This, tatellah, is foranoccasion."