Chronic Pain and family that dont give a rats

[Hooch]

See that's the thing, I've already been through a massive ordeal years ago and am already familiar with the self-appraisal and learning it brings. So I hear what you're saying, but thanks, im already quite aware of it.

I was gutted when my old man quite clearly wouldnt support me emotionally, just rejected me when i was in tears, and it was very dissapointing as he hadnt changed. ive got 2 brothers and a mum who have very little to do with him.. i was somehow foolish and i think at some level felt guilty for him.. but there is nothing i can do for him.

But when he crossed to the other side of the fence and was clearly quite derogatory, to a bloke who is barely out of the hospital, he crossed a line and i am quite angry about it and i have every right to be.

The relationship with him is now terminated.

This is the funny thing. If you have a toxic parent, or a toxic brother, or a toxic partner.. they have to go.

Did you have someone tell you to 'have a nice life' and hang up on you a week after surgery Dale? Did you have that person just dissapear for a couple of months then call you up like you were best buddies? Have you had your old man repeatedly yelling for 15 min (not an exagerration) 'you are mentally ill', 'you have no friends', and inform you of his superior intellect (yes, really). Have you had your old man brazenly declare that if he suffered such a condition it wouldn't effect his friendships if he lost his job and became partially disabled and had to cross the country in search of medical help? Have you had that person blatantly deny the extent of your condition and flat out refuse to believe that you are at the point where you have trouble walking any distance, sitting and standing without constant severe pain?

I suspect you may have to tolerate a few of the pissy remarks and uncaring gestures from people who dont understand, but not a sustained assault.

I'm not really having a go at you, but this is the difference between normal people, and people who are toxic and abusive and just generally selfish to the point of delusion.

So that is why my old man is pretty well dead to me now. He lives, but the relationship dies, my care about him just dies.

So I struggle with that, and I will for a while yet, as I love him deeply and rekindled a relationship after years of abuse and dysfunction as I felt he could grow and move on.. but the same things about him that made him abusive and narcissitic in the first place unfortunately haven't changed at all, in some ways i feel they are worse, as I was clearly in such a terrible spot and suffering deeply, yet all that encouraged from him was indifference, disregard, and ultimately insanity.

He is sick, and for some reason he can't tolerate me as proud, independent, self-confident man, as it feeds some sort of bizarro inferiority complex. He needs a passive, submissive, easily manipulated non-person to feed his ego.

End of story.

And I'm gutted about it, but it'll heal eventually.

Anyway, thats me done. I think its just some sort of therapy, writing it down. I don't want or require anyone to 'fix' me, as im not broken. Just been through some terrible crap.

[dshobbies]

Hooch,

I hear you but I'm not too sure you're hearing yourself. You are broken. Until you can accept that this is just the way it is and stop wishing it could have been something else, you will carry this anger around with you.

No, my father never rejected me as yours did you but rejected in a different way, yes. I rebelled as a child, finally realizing why as an adult. It took years of carrying around this anger that you now feel before I finally accepted that was just the way it was. My family is my family. Those who I can tolerate, I still have a relationship with. With those who as you put it, are toxic, I have no relationship at all and I believe my life is easier for it - but all the anger is gone. The resentment is gone.

It took years to become accepting of that which I cannot change. Did I say years, it took decades.

I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've just walked a few steps in your shoes. It has taken me a long time to come to my own terms with my familial relationships. I'd like to recommend professional counceling for you. You're very angry and you have every right to be but carrying that around will serve you no purpose. Your anger will control you. You did nothing wrong yet your father blames you for whatever makes him feel better about himself. That's not on you, it's on him and intellectually you might understand this but emotionally, the scars are still fresh.

Letting go of the relationship while holding onto the anger - which anyone who reads your post can actually hear - will work against you. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere can offer words of support but only you can deal with your emotions.

I'm sorry for my longs posts. I'm simply trying to offer my support. And there is still so much more. It's okay to think of yourself first when you need to. Being needy is part of being human. Our entire lives are a compromise of give and take. It's not bad, it's the way it is. Give yourself all the time it takes and good luck,

Dale

[Hooch]

I know Dale, and thankyou but no thankyou to the counselling. Mt previous issue was due to psychiatric abuse.. im fully aware how that stigmatises me in many peoples eyes so it is almost never mentioned, but all this chronic pain over the past few years was a walk in the park compared to that. Provided the chronic pain would end someday.

The anger will come, then go, then come then go and eventually go if u let it. It doesnt matter if u trust my opinion on it or not but ive been through this before, most people have at some level or another.

But there is a process and there are no shortcuts, and part of that is time. And part of that is going into the forest along and screaming at the goddamn trees cos ur still alive.

Just leave me with it.. but ty for your support

[Maria]

Hooch,
I don't have much of a relationship w/my brother. Won't get into it but was really mad at him recently and had to just stuff it and do what I had to do and then known the degree of anger would die down. Not sure I wouldn't lash out anytime soon so want to be careful not to engage in much conversation w/him if any except over business matters.

I have had to let go of toxic relationships before. One that was within the last 5-6 years and was very painful/toxic. Person still lives very close by and I just stopped talking to him. So many feelings I had over those first few years and then finally getting to that realization about things being toxic and no way could this person change or at least not in interaction w/me. I'm pretty determined. Once I make up my mind to move along emotionally I make my mind go there and my heart usually follows. Then eventually the anger dies down into nothingness (acceptance of sorts or who gives a rat's arse). What is it.. denial, anger, grieving, acceptance.. guess I skipped a couple of stages but whatever they are they span thru everything in life pretty much.

Letting go is sometimes the best thing we can do no matter what the relationship of the person is to us. Sorry to hear your Dad has been this toxic person to you esp. when you needed him to come thru for you in extreme circumstances. We all have to move on the best way possible for our individual situation but it is pretty devasting when a family member is the person that we have that toxic relationship w/. Sucks. Sorry to hear it though you certainly sound capable of getting thru it.

[Hooch]

Originally Posted by dshobbies

Hooch,

I hear you but I'm not too sure you're hearing yourself. You are broken. Until you can accept that this is just the way it is and stop wishing it could have been something else, you will carry this anger around with you.

Letting go of the relationship while holding onto the anger - which anyone who reads your post can actually hear - will work against you. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere can offer words of support but only you can deal with your emotions.

I'm sorry for my longs posts. I'm simply trying to offer my support. And there is still so much more. It's okay to think of yourself first when you need to. Being needy is part of being human. Our entire lives are a compromise of give and take. It's not bad, it's the way it is. Give yourself all the time it takes and good luck,

Dale

I kept mum when I read this as I was copping so many knocks and waiting to see if I would be left to rot on partial disability support, on heavy medications, at a young age, but that is one of the grubbier statements I have read.

No one is 'broken' until some chump on the sidelines who risks nothing and contributes nothing says they are. You sitting there and telling someone who is already under intense pressure that they are 'broken' is only indicative of all the years you have wasted in therapy being treated in a similar manner. It is a disgusting statement that builds nothing and demeans us all.

Get stuffed Dale, and stick your pity up your backside. And yes I absolutely 'hear' myself thankyou very much, and did all along.

Go talk to your therapist/money pit about that one. Pro tip: the stock response is 'good luck and I hope you can sort out your issues', or some similar psychobabble garbage.

Chris.

[jsewell]

Hooch,
I now know what you were talking about in your original post. I have had lots of pain over the years from my back as well as other medical conditions. I had been married for 28 years and my husband abandoned me after my surgery in August. It was from t-7 through L-4 and quite a lot was done including extending my already long fusion. I was in lots of pain, couldn't drive, only one week out of the hospital when he decided to leave. No reason given he said he was leaving , i was shocked , totally shocked. Then he wouldn't talk to me or email me. All my attempts at communication were stopped. I learned a few weeks later that he had moved in with a girl he had just met around my surgery time. Probably why he never came to visit and sent my daughter to pick me up. We had a problem with a dead battery and i ended up walking quite a distance to get to a car to take me home from the hospital. His phone was turned off.

He has communicated just a little since that point. He has still basically left me with chronic pain and 4 kids to finish raising. He completely shut himself off from his kids, it is like we all don't exist anymore.
So now i do understand your pain. I started off very sad. But the bad treatment my kids have gotten from their dad has recently changed that to pure anger. My future is very shaky.
judy

[ADR seeker]

Hooch, a lot of people really suck and some families are just no damn good. Divorce them. Many doctors are the same cold uncaring bastards.

I would have doctors look at my MRI and tell me that I shouldn't be in "that much pain. The incompetent quack bastard would not even look or feel my muscle spasms.

Let's be honest, America sucks. We have become a hooray for me a screw everyone else culture. Our dirty government it's greedy mercenary and apathetic people.

As I have gotten older I think that monogamy and the family unit is a bad thing.

As to drunks. Beat the crap out of them on a regular basis. My best childhood friend was killed by a drunk driver. Drunks rarely reform so I say just take a baseball bat to them and give them a real reason to drink.

I used to attend Alanon and I came to the conclusion that the only good drunk is a dead drunk. I would hear these women whining about their abusive husbands and they'd end up pissing me off. Where were their fathers and their brothers? If anybody beat my sister they'd be in a coma and a body cast when I got done with them.

Then we have to consider God if there is one. He sucks. I would trade places with Jesus in a heart beat... a few ours of agony followed by 36 hours of sleep and then bliss. It's a better deal than what we get.

America is hated around the world for good reason. Our criminal FDA will not allow Americans to have the M6 and the NeoDisc not will they allow us to have DiscoGel. In the US the FDA owns our bodies.

[Maria]

I have thought some of the very same thoughts tho not everyday is like today or tomorrow. Hang on. Things can change as long as time is on your side. Can you pay your rent or mortgage, have food and shelter and medical care (basic) and whatever else is necessary to survive? If so just hang on. Life can change. It can be for the better.... I would say this .. when things are the most horrible pain wise we cannot base a sound decision from this point of view. If one can wait it out time may prove that changes can happen for the better. Please give yourself that opportunity.. anybody.