L5-S1 Charite Revision Surgery 8 day post op

[Blairsara]

Hey everyone

So I'm a month and 10 days out of surgery and I'm doing well. My pain has been worse this past few weeks because in the increase of my activity. So these past few days I've decided to lay low and just go for my walks (my cousin is getting married over the weekend so I have to be somewhat ok so I can last for more than 30 minutes). My legs are hurting a lot, especially both hips. The twitching thing is still going on, but has decreased a tiny bit. One day my right side hurts then its fine the next day but then the left side hurts.

This week has been really tough. I've been trying hard to remain positive, but things with my brother went to crap - he didnt do anything physical like last time but it did constitute as verbal abuse. I have tried to make it so I'm not around him by myself before this had happened. And although I'm not surprised that it did, I didnt think he was that much of an idiot to treat me the way that he did. Anyways, I thought that during my recovery things were going to be fine, and it wasnt going to be until after where I had to deal with all of his crap. Well I was wrong.

Anyways, I could tell immediately how my frustration, anger and hatred towards him affected my pain level. So I have decided, both for the sake of my recovery and for my safety, that I will not be near him by myself, wont talk to him by myself, will only deal with him when other people are around - basically the same plan that I was going to do once my spine fused. The thing that is the scariest is that he is bipolar and is not on medication... and I am always the one who is attacked, whether verbal or physical, when he has one of his "tantrums" and although he hasnt come near me since the surgery I don't know what may happen and that scares the living crap out of me.

The one thing that I didnt want was for my recovery to be about him, because everything always has to be about him, and now it has turned into that. And that in itself makes me frustrated and pissed off. Sorry for my rant.. but this has been going on for the past week and it makes me so mad that my pain level has shot up because of him when I am trying so hard to be positive. I had to delete him from my AIM contacts list because every time I saw his name I became filled with anger, which obviously is not good for the fragile state that I am in. I was thinking of writing a letter that I will give him after my spine fuses, but I don't know if I should even bother with that now or deal with it later..

I go to the doctor next week and will give my new update. I have now switched to a regular cane from the 4 pronged cane and am very happy! That thing was so friggen heavy. I'm starting to get bored out of my mind. Any ideas? I'm reading 3 books at a time, catching up on tivo, watching movies, seeing friends.. but still bored.. Any suggestions?

I hope everyone is doing really well.

Blair

[annapurna]

Blair - it's wonderful that you're making some progress. Slow is okay - you've got plenty of time.

I'm so sorry about the situation with your brother. You're right that the anger, completely justified as it is, will compromise you physical and mental state right now. If you have a spiritual or religious advisor of any kind that you feel comfortable speaking with, it might not hurt to get help. The mind-spirit-body link is very poorly understood, but widely acknowledged to be real. Perhaps you could take advantage of your sugical "downtime" to get some emotional healing for your very difficult family situation. By the way, in suggesting this, I in NO WAY mean to imply that any of this is your fault in any way.

Thanks for keeping us posted on your progress.

Best!
Laura

[dshobbies]

Blair,

You are experiencing a whirlwind of both physical and emotional states. The physical you can do little about but the emotional is definitely in your control. Your brother is bipolar and you are his target. You know this and your family knows this. You don't need or want his emotional state to affect yours which in turn affects your pain and healing levels.

Sometimes, however difficult, it is in our best interests to remove ourselves from a volitile situation. Making the decision to curtail or cease contact with a loved family member is never easy but with age comes wisdom. You say that you didn't want your recovery to be about your brother but that is what is has become. BUT this is within your own control. YOU are making the decision to remain in contact with him. YOU are making the decision to allow him to affect your control. If he hurts you emotionally, YOU have the power to stop it. If he hurts you physically, it may be something you regret for the rest of your life.

Your brother will always be your brother. This is already written, period. Whether you stay in contact with him will never change that. The love you have for your brother will always remain intact. He is your brother, pure an simple. You don't have to like him. It's OK to hate him. If his behavior is affecting your life, you have the obligation to yourself to do whatever you can to correct the situation. Correcting him is not your job. I realize that you want to help and 'fix' him but you can't. Perhaps, at least for awhile, it's time to stop trying and let him go.

Blair, he scares me. He's capable of really hurting you. Only YOU can prevent that.

I hope your pain subsides soon and your recovery goes smoothly. I also hope your brother doesn't put another foot into your back. I'd hate to read about this in the newspaper!

End of sermon. Please keep us posted, Dale

[ans]

Blair: I don't mean to sound abrupt but I think that it's not reasonable to expect your brother to change as there is no guarantee that he will not maliciously (ok, maybe this is in the "up" phase of bipolar) injure you and ruin your life. I hope that you can get the hell out ASAP, get your bearings as you *fuse*. I'd sleep on friends' floors/sofas if it would not injure me if in your shoes.

Unsolicited advice: if your brother's over 18 years old and is unmedicated, how about your parents considering moving him to a group psychiatric home where he'll learn responsiblity towards others and adult skills.

Wishing you well. - Allan

[Blairsara]

Hey everyone
Thanks so much for all of your replies.
To set one thing straight, my brother doesnt live with me. I'm living with my parents and he is in an apartment with his girlfriend. But that doesnt mean he isnt here. He comes over all the time. This week he came over twice, ended up while my mom was out, so I had to pretend I was sleeping while he was here in order to avoid any contact. If he did live here while this was going on I dont even know what I would do. Thank G-D that is not the case!

I'm doing everything that I can to not be around him. But it's inevitable that I will have to deal with him. And for those situations I plan to stay close to other people and far away from his as possibly necessary without causing extra drama. My parents see everything that's going on and completely back me up 100%. My mom realizes how bad it is more than my dad - he just thinks its my brother being the typical *******.. And truly believes that he wouldnt physically hurt me while I'm in this condition. I completely disagree with him If he could kick me in the back one month before major back surgery, what would prevent him from doing anything to me now if he loses complete self control. That is precisely the reason why I will not talk to him alone, be with him alone, etc.. and only be around him when necessary around other people. The plan is for me to recover and completely fuse and than have a family intervention where he either recognizes that he has major issues, goes to therapy where it is actually helpful, is on some sort of medication other than self medicating by smoking, and realizes how terribly he treats me... if not (which I doubt he will ever admit he has a problem or even address all of his issues that are based on completely unrealistic perceptions) than our relationship will remain the same - no contact except for when absolutely necessary and can't be avoided. His best friend also supports me and wants him to get the help that he has needed for such a long time.

I will do everything that I believe is absolutely necessary to make sure I completely recover and that I have a successful surgery. And I have no problems with completely distancing myself from him so that way I can get back to being positive. Although, I've been having trouble thinking of ways to maintain my positive outlook when he comes around and I have to pretend to sleep or be close to my dad and deal with the tension and negativity. Any ideas?

[ans]

Blair: If you do see him, would it help if you put your fusion support "belt" around you (are you still wearing it) to provide him a cue that you're injured?

Good luck in this, ans

[Blairsara]

Allan
I have to wear my brace all the time except for when I'm in bed and he knows this. It's huge - goes all the way up to my shoulder blades. But thanks for the idea. It's a really f'ed up situation but I'm trying to do what I think is best. And knowing that I have support from my parents, friends, his best friend, and a forum of people reassures me that I am taking the proper precautions.

I just want to get back to not even thinking about him and all of this drama. That is the hard part, especially since I am bored out of my mind and I keep analyzing everything.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Blair