runner's surgery blog, L4/5, 2008

[Justin]

I told my husband if I don't have a painful disc, that means there is probably nothing I can do about the pain and I would rather die than live like this.

Runner, I know you probably don't mean this literally--more of an expression about your situation, right? I would stress this feeling to your surgeon and if you do have any "dark" feelings, please share them with someone you love (like you did with your husband) and/or seek out a professional to share such feelings with. Sorry, not trying to point this out but I've been trained to take language like this (even if it is in "passing" or in a "joking" manner) serious.

You will not be in pain forever and you will be able to do something about it. However, it is taking much, much longer than you want it too. You will find relief soon...I truly feel that in my gut, as you are turning every rock.

BTW...I am sorry about your necklace.

[runner]

Thanks Justin,

I am going to the darkside.
I did send you a PM (Please keep in mind I have had a lot of drugs today).

[phylly]

kimmers,
I just tuned in--Whahhhhhhh! It was an awful few days for you. Don't you feel like moving to Australia. you know the book, it was a no good very bad day and I think I will move to Australia. You must tell the pain doc that moderate is severe. And please don't read your own films, wait for the radiologist. This is why nurses and Drs. are bad patients. They know too much.

i have a pain therapist that woks in San Juan Capo. She is awesome and takes BC. Please PM me or call if you need her name and number. She is a wonderful lady who listened to me when I wanted to die from my pain and said the same as you about not wanting to live like I was. I could go in and sob for a whole hour. You may not mean it but you are probably feeling a bit depressed at this point and talking to an objective person could help.

I am so sorry for all your pain. When do you see Dr. Palmer/and or Dr. Pain. I m not sure that running will make things better but what the heck, the worst that could happen is back to bed for a day. I am thinking of you and sending hugs.
Phylly

[runner]

Phylly,

Thanks.
See Dr. on May 7: see Dr. Pain on April 28. Dr. Pain did say a week from now but I called the office and they said April 28 was ok (as long as I had enough pain meds). I will see about the pain (and whether I have enough meds). I am pretty iced up right now, but still have a lot of the numbness in my legs.
I'd rather go on a tuesday anyway, to avoid the P.A.
Dr. Pain is real hard to read. He just shut down and didn't say much. I have read that if you have any severe pain that means it is positive.
Maybe it is not the disc and it is some weird Australian thing that has implanted itself in my body. (hey, folks, that is the drugs talking).
No, I haven't read the book, Australia.
I have stopped looking at the films as both discs look funny.
BTW, no running today.

runner

[phylly]

sorry to confuse you, not the book Australia, the kids book by Judith Viorst. It was one of my favorites to read. I will find the exact title I may have been paraphrasing. Any help out there from other old folks? My age is showing.

[dshobbies]

K,

You had hard day. You're fearful your response wasn't enough for your doctor to convince him you have a painful disc. My discogram revealed NO pain, not mild, moderate or severe, at L2/3. Even moderate pain indicates the disc is a pain generator. So no harm in your response. Losing your necklace was unfortunate but did nothing but cap off a lousy day.

Second, I agree with Justin. A friend of mine killed herself over cervical problems. She had no money, no insurance and couldn't work. She saw no way out. She gone. Another friend also saw no way out. She was actually planning her suicide. That was 2 years ago now and she's mostly pain free with most of her old life back now. I take 'the dark side' very seriously. Please calm down and pm me if you want to talk. I'll be happy to help you in anyway I can. We don't even live that far apart.

Keep in mind, there is a solution out there. You will find it and pain free days lay ahead. Some doctors will work harder than others and often it's simply a matter of finding the right doctor. It would also be helpful if your doctor prescribed anti-depressants. They can make a huge difference.

BTW, my husband used to love to run. It cleared his mind but his knees had other ideas. He now rides a bike. Almost as good!

You don't have to go through this alone. We're all here to help. Just a hint and we'll jump at the chance because we all know about your pain and the darkness. Well you hinted and I'm jumping. PM me and I'll call you.

Dale

[Kathy]

Runner- I am so sorry you had such a crappy discogram. Sounds like Murphys law was in full effect that day. Don't be hard on yourself because you are a nurse and should do better. The drugs really jack up the brain (or the shell of it in my case). I say and do some really stupid shit sometimes, in my drug fog. My hubby is always like, you need to get off all that crap. Like, sure, I'll just quit taking it and just lay in bed and pray for death all day! Sounds like a plan to me. No one can understand the pain that we live in EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. Even if it is "only" a 3 or 4 with medication, it is always there. It is extremely frustrating when the it'll be all right attitude or the famous, get over it, see this great dr and they can fix you. I have been exactly where you are right now. I was scared of what I might do, I knew that I was close to having that moment of insanity and ending it all. I didn't care that I had a family, kids, a life to live (cause it really didn't feel like much of one); I just wanted the suffering to stop, to be done. I didn't want to live in this kind of pain, who does. I felt like my family would be better off without me, that they could be rid of the cost of my medical, get a 'new' mom and have life insurance money and it would all be fine. I now know this is just insane; but seemed pretty rational at the time. I was and am very fortunate to have a good friend who has suffered back pain and depression, that I could talk to and be honest with (and she didn't think I was crazy). I'm sure your just venting; but please tell your doctor how you feel. I have found that the only time they take your pain seriously is when you let go of your inhibitions and let it all out. I have sat and cried, whined, complained and flat out told the doctor that I wanted to die and that it was a good thing I did not own a gun. This is when I finally saw action and compassion, they saw my desperation and realized that something had to give. This is so against my nature, as I hate to be 'debbie downer'; but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Go in and let it ALL out! Let em' have it, promise it will get results I'm praying for you and I am here if you need someone to talk to, yell at, cry with, or whatever. I totally understand what you are going through. Hugs, Kathy

[runner]

Kathy,

Despite what my husband thinks I am not a whiner. He has also told me to get off all the crap.
Maybe my husband and yours would get along.
Does yours like beer?

In all seriousness, I do usually let the doctors know how I feel. After becoming a health care provider, I felt empowerment and told them how i felt. It is just sometimes, I am just so tired that I just want to get things over and go home. I have often said that after going through a major surgery, I cannot believe that I have gotten like this again. That I am having as much pain as I had before the last surgery. I think overall, I am.
I was just real disappointed yesterday, because I want some sort of resolution and when my pain doc clammed up, that really made me upset.

I did have a good part of the day yesterday. My oldest daughter came over to the couch and hugged me, and told me, "Mommy, you are so brave. You have done so many things, you are a lot stronger than me and you amaze me." Well, something like that. Totally, out of character for a teenager.
Today, i found my necklace in my shoe.
I piddled around the house today after I woke up as some neighbors took the boys off my hands today. Folded laundry and such. I think i feel a lot of pressure because i have so many things to do and am not up to doing them. It is very frustrating.
And for this to go on day after day, it is depressing.
Thanks for your concern.
It is funny from your picture, I thought you were a short, little petite thing, but to find out you are 5-10. Wow. I was 5-9 after surgery and I think i have lost some height, but I thought I was tall.

Runner