runner's surgery blog, L4/5, 2008

[phylly]

sorry to confuse you, not the book Australia, the kids book by Judith Viorst. It was one of my favorites to read. I will find the exact title I may have been paraphrasing. Any help out there from other old folks? My age is showing.

[dshobbies]

K,

You had hard day. You're fearful your response wasn't enough for your doctor to convince him you have a painful disc. My discogram revealed NO pain, not mild, moderate or severe, at L2/3. Even moderate pain indicates the disc is a pain generator. So no harm in your response. Losing your necklace was unfortunate but did nothing but cap off a lousy day.

Second, I agree with Justin. A friend of mine killed herself over cervical problems. She had no money, no insurance and couldn't work. She saw no way out. She gone. Another friend also saw no way out. She was actually planning her suicide. That was 2 years ago now and she's mostly pain free with most of her old life back now. I take 'the dark side' very seriously. Please calm down and pm me if you want to talk. I'll be happy to help you in anyway I can. We don't even live that far apart.

Keep in mind, there is a solution out there. You will find it and pain free days lay ahead. Some doctors will work harder than others and often it's simply a matter of finding the right doctor. It would also be helpful if your doctor prescribed anti-depressants. They can make a huge difference.

BTW, my husband used to love to run. It cleared his mind but his knees had other ideas. He now rides a bike. Almost as good!

You don't have to go through this alone. We're all here to help. Just a hint and we'll jump at the chance because we all know about your pain and the darkness. Well you hinted and I'm jumping. PM me and I'll call you.

Dale

[Kathy]

Runner- I am so sorry you had such a crappy discogram. Sounds like Murphys law was in full effect that day. Don't be hard on yourself because you are a nurse and should do better. The drugs really jack up the brain (or the shell of it in my case). I say and do some really stupid shit sometimes, in my drug fog. My hubby is always like, you need to get off all that crap. Like, sure, I'll just quit taking it and just lay in bed and pray for death all day! Sounds like a plan to me. No one can understand the pain that we live in EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. Even if it is "only" a 3 or 4 with medication, it is always there. It is extremely frustrating when the it'll be all right attitude or the famous, get over it, see this great dr and they can fix you. I have been exactly where you are right now. I was scared of what I might do, I knew that I was close to having that moment of insanity and ending it all. I didn't care that I had a family, kids, a life to live (cause it really didn't feel like much of one); I just wanted the suffering to stop, to be done. I didn't want to live in this kind of pain, who does. I felt like my family would be better off without me, that they could be rid of the cost of my medical, get a 'new' mom and have life insurance money and it would all be fine. I now know this is just insane; but seemed pretty rational at the time. I was and am very fortunate to have a good friend who has suffered back pain and depression, that I could talk to and be honest with (and she didn't think I was crazy). I'm sure your just venting; but please tell your doctor how you feel. I have found that the only time they take your pain seriously is when you let go of your inhibitions and let it all out. I have sat and cried, whined, complained and flat out told the doctor that I wanted to die and that it was a good thing I did not own a gun. This is when I finally saw action and compassion, they saw my desperation and realized that something had to give. This is so against my nature, as I hate to be 'debbie downer'; but the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Go in and let it ALL out! Let em' have it, promise it will get results I'm praying for you and I am here if you need someone to talk to, yell at, cry with, or whatever. I totally understand what you are going through. Hugs, Kathy

[runner]

Kathy,

Despite what my husband thinks I am not a whiner. He has also told me to get off all the crap.
Maybe my husband and yours would get along.
Does yours like beer?

In all seriousness, I do usually let the doctors know how I feel. After becoming a health care provider, I felt empowerment and told them how i felt. It is just sometimes, I am just so tired that I just want to get things over and go home. I have often said that after going through a major surgery, I cannot believe that I have gotten like this again. That I am having as much pain as I had before the last surgery. I think overall, I am.
I was just real disappointed yesterday, because I want some sort of resolution and when my pain doc clammed up, that really made me upset.

I did have a good part of the day yesterday. My oldest daughter came over to the couch and hugged me, and told me, "Mommy, you are so brave. You have done so many things, you are a lot stronger than me and you amaze me." Well, something like that. Totally, out of character for a teenager.
Today, i found my necklace in my shoe.
I piddled around the house today after I woke up as some neighbors took the boys off my hands today. Folded laundry and such. I think i feel a lot of pressure because i have so many things to do and am not up to doing them. It is very frustrating.
And for this to go on day after day, it is depressing.
Thanks for your concern.
It is funny from your picture, I thought you were a short, little petite thing, but to find out you are 5-10. Wow. I was 5-9 after surgery and I think i have lost some height, but I thought I was tall.

Runner

[runner]

Phylly,

Your doggies are so cute. No wonder you brought them home. Sent you a PM.

Dale,
I PM'd you too.


Runner

[dshobbies]

Kim,

I know it's tough. I know you're in pain but finding the correct diagnosis is the only way to get rid of it. I realize you think it's the discs and your symptoms kind of sort of sound like it too. Your pm agrees with you but...

Don't give up. Make a nusance out of yourself if you have to. Living is pain is horrible but it won't always be like this. I'm here if you want to talk.

Dale

[runner]

Hi Dale.

Actually my PM disagrees with me but he is turning out to be an ok doc so I know I have to have the facet injections and that would be nice if that was an answer. I was thinking back a while ago that I would never burn a nerve as they are unpredictable how they come back.
But that would be the simpler "cure" for my back problems.
Because I have this new leg pain, I think it is from the disc, but I could always be wrong.
It is just my intuition that I am right.
It would be easier if it was cut and dry but it is not.
Yes, I may give you a call tomorrow.
I thought yesterday that I was turning the corner with this leg pain but it came back and i was stuck back on the couch.
Now, I would like to go back to how I felt before the discogram.
Ugh.

[Kathy]

Runner- You are funny. Hubby does like beer, maybe they should get together and complain about us! Anytime my hubby says his back hurts or is sore, I tell him to toughen up and suck it up! How's that for paybacks! He has been pretty empathetic lately.

I'm glad that you are feeling better (emotionally). I usually have my day or two of sadness, then dust myself off and get up again to fight the fight.

That is hilarious that I looked petite! Never had that said. Guess cause hubby is alot taller than me, it makes me look small. I need to measure myself and see if I grew after surgery. My grandma did say that I seemed taller. I had 'shrank' pre-surgery from 5'10" to 5' 9 & 3/4" Maybe now I am back to 5'10" My daughter Emma, 5 years, is the youngest in her kindergarden class (mid-July birthday) and is the tallest, even taller than all the boys.

[phylly]

Kim,
Got your message and answered. How are you today? Please keep in touch all the time. This is just another bump and you are going to make it through. I kept believing that there had to be an answer to the pain. You will find out what is wrong and be able to get better. What a nice thing for your daughter to say. They sure come through when you need them to.

BTW cute doggies pull really hard on the leash even through they are small. I am icing my back right now. The dog trainer can't come soon enough for leash and poop lessons. Husband is NOT happy.

[Kathy]

Originally Posted by phylly

The dog trainer can't come soon enough for leash and poop lessons. Husband is NOT happy.

Maybe I should have called a dog trainer when I was potty training. My youngest, when she was 2, would poop in her diaper and then use the carpet as her toilet paper. One time, she came down the stairs on her butt and crap was rubbed all the way down. It was oh so much fun to clean. Hence why hubby ripped all the carpeting out of our house and put down hardwood and tile.

I don't even attempt to walk my dog anymore, he pulls so hard it is killer. That is, when he isn't biting the leash like he has never been walked before.

Kids and dogs, gotta love em'.